CAST:
Lt. Oberon – Any age or gender
Mickey Goldberg – Male, 20’s
SETTING:
High-tech looking office.
Lt. Oberon is sitting at a desk. There is a bleep.
Lt. Oberon:
Come in.
The door whooshes open and Mickey enthusiastically walks in and stands at attention in front of the desk.
Lt. Oberon:
(Smiling) Relax, young man. You are not a cadet, yet. Please have a seat. Welcome to Star Fleet Recruitment Center.
Mickey sits.
Mickey:
Sir, yes sir! Mickey Goldberg reporting for, um…recruitment, sir!
Lt. Oberon:
(Looks at a paper) Yes, I have your application here. Everything looks to be in order…wait…Hmm, it appears that you left the section blank where you can request a career path. I’m sure it was just an oversight. Did you have a particular branch of the service in mind, Mickey?
Mickey:
No sir! I just want to serve the Federation in whatever capacity they can use me, sir. I come from a long line of Star Fleet Personnel. Service in the fleet is very big in my family. There have been over two dozen Goldbergs who have preceded me.
Lt. Oberon:
Wow. That is quite impressive. My grandmother and an aunt and uncle were officers before me, but two dozen? That is remarkable patriotism.
Mickey:
Actually, none of the Goldbergs were officers.
Lt. Oberon:
None, out of dozens? Where do some of your current relations serve, if you don’t mind me asking?
Mickey:
Oh, none are currently serving.
Lt. Oberon:
I see. Well, in any case, there must be some path you were hoping to take in Star Fleet. We have a wide range including Operations, Sciences, Security, Technology, and of course, Command.
Mickey:
Nope! No preference.
Lt. Oberon:
Mickey, you seem awfully enthusiastic to join, but I’ve never had a recruit with no requests.
Mickey:
Oh, I have a request, Sir. There was just no space for it on the application.
Lt. Oberon:
No space? Well, what is it that you’d like to request?
Mickey:
I’d like something that would allow me to wear a red shirt, sir!
Lt. Oberon:
(Surprised) You mean a red uniform shirt? That’s highly unusual. Um, Mickey, you are aware that Federation personnel who wear red uniform shirts have um…how can I put this?…um, an extremely high death rate.
Mickey:
Yes, I know. That’s why no Goldberg has ever made it to an officer-level position and, I suppose why none are currently serving.
Lt. Oberon:
None? You mean to say that you have some two dozen relatives killed in the line of duty?
Mickey:
Yes, Sir! My dad and a couple of uncles were blasted by Klingons, Aunt Sheila and cousin David, by Romulans, and two of my brothers by some sort of Nazis in a time loop. Grandpa Benjamin was in a shuttle that disappeared into a nebula and great-uncle Shecky was absorbed by some gaseous entity that is still unidentified.
Lt. Oberon:
This is incredible!
Mickey:
That’s nothing. I had a second cousin on the Constitution when that blew up and my sister went out of an airlock, thanks to Khan Noonian Singh. Let’s see…Uncle Louie stepped on an explosive rock and Great-aunt Minnie had all of the salt sucked out of her body. The list goes on.
Lt. Oberon:
Mickey, I don’t understand. You, more than anyone knows the risks. Why is it so important for you to wear a red shirt? You have a level of patriotism that is beyond anything I’ve ever seen.
Mickey:
Duh! You’re in Star Fleet. Surely you have seen the death benefit package. It’s the best. I want to be able to provide for my wife and kids as well as my late parents did for me.
Lt. Oberon:
Mickey, there are safer ways to earn a living.
Mickey:
You mean like schlepping into an office for eight hours, five days a week for fifty years? No thanks. Hey, can you put me on the Enterprise?
Lt. Oberon:
Why the Enterprise?
Mickey:
Are you kidding? I hear that Captain Kirk goes through redshirts by the shuttle load. That’s the kind of service that I want.
Curtain
thesmartestguyiknow 