You Gotta Fight For Your Right to Potty

CAST:

Captain Marvel – Female, 20-35

Nick Fury – Male, 30-60

SETTING:

            High-tech looking office.

Nick Fury is sitting at a desk. There is a bleep.

Nick Fury:

Come in.

The door whooshes open and Captain Marvel walks in and stands at attention in front of the desk.

Nick Fury:

Relax, Captain Marvel. I wanted to talk to you about today’s battle with the Zarkan Overlords.

Captain Marvel:

Which one of those male jerks complained about me?

Nick Fury:

Look, we’re not here to point fingers.

Captain Marvel:

It was probably that goody-two-shoes Captain America. You know that somehow, that pretty boy thinks he outranks me because he was a captain first?

Nick Fury:

This is about the battle. You were late, were you not?

Captain Marvel:

Yes, I might have been a bit late, but so what? It was over by the time I got there.

Nick Fury:

Not the point. What if it had been a tougher opponent? And Hawkeye did get injured.

Captain Marvel:

Hawkeye always gets injured. Why is he even on the team? He shoots arrows. Big deal. That was big like sixty-thousand years ago.

Nick Fury:

At least he showed up.

Captain Marvel:

I had to pee, all right?

Nick Fury:

How long does it take to relieve oneself?

Captain Marvel:

Are you kidding me? Look at this outfit. First, I have to take off these gloves that go all the way up my forearms. Next, I need to unhook this belt. Then I have to unzip this skin-tight, rubberized monstrosity from my neck to mid-thigh. That’s assuming I can even find the zipper.

Nick Fury:

Still, I don’t see—

Captain Marvel:

Oh, I’m barely getting started. Then I have to peel the thing down to my knees and still have room to slide down my underwear, all while keeping the suit from touching the nasty floor.

Nick Fury:

Hey, we have a cleaning crew.

Captain Marvel:

Yes, and then a crowd of guys filing in all day who have laser sight or x-ray vision, but still can’t seem to hit the middle of a toilet from less than two feet away. How about a separate ladies’ room? What is this? North Carolina?

Nick Fury:

You’ve got practically the same suit as Captain America.

Captain Marvel:

True, except for the little emergency flap down below or the physical equipment to use it. I know that the last Captain Marvel was a dude, but can we update the outfit?

Nick Fury:

We offered you one like Wonder Woman.

Captain Marvel:

Sure, if I want to Captain Slut-Girl. I’ll admit she can do the underwear pull-over with that short skirt, but is it necessary that my breasts be barely contained?

Nick Fury:

Look, at the risk of opening up an H. R. issue here, is it possible for you to do your bathroom business before getting dressed for work?

Captain Marvel:

If you must know, I was feeling a bit bloated, so I took a water pill this morning. If I wore shredded pants like the Hulk, this wouldn’t be a problem, but that’s not an option.

Nick Fury:

The Hulk spends a lot less time in Hair and Make-up, too.

Captain Marvel:

Hey, would you rather deal with my agent, or maybe the Union? If you can make an honest effort to upgrade the locker room facilities and maybe give me a little input into costume improvements, maybe I’ll be able to get to the battles on time.

Nick Fury:

I guess we can work on that. We certainly want our heroes to be happy here.

Captain Marvel:

I’m glad you feel that way. Since I’m here, I’d also like to discuss adding some hot yoga classes, a healthy snack area and possibly some flowers around the headquarters.

            While she rambles on, Nick Fury buries his head into his hands.

Ooh, how about a day-care center.

Curtain