DMV

DMV

Octavia’s Day

stamps2

Octavia walks down the stairs of her Hollywood Hills home followed by a fluffy Bichon Frise. She checks her hair in the mirror in the hallway before turning into the kitchen. She’s smartly dressed in a black pencil skirt, a white silk blouse and an animal print shawl.

“Good morning, Lupe,” she says to an Hispanic woman in an apron who stands in front of the sink and next to the open dishwasher.

“Good morning, Miss Spencer,” says the housekeeper, in a mild Spanish accent. “You look nice. No personal trainer today?”

“Unfortunately, he’s still coming. I moved him to this afternoon.”

“You should at least have some breakfast.”

“No time. I’m running out to see my agent and then to USC. I’m giving a talk at the film school. I also will probably stop at the Post Office.”

“I don’t suppose you’re taking El Diablo with you,” says Lupe while jerking her thumb toward the dog.

“No, and it’s Dorothea. The groomer should be here to pick her up at 10:30 so she’ll be out of your hair for a few hours.”

Octavia takes her keys and handbag off of a hook near the door and heads out. Lupe sticks her tongue out at the dog.

*****

Octavia gets into the elevator at the parking garage level at a downtown office building. She pushes the button for the sixteenth floor. Just before the door closes, a man in a suit runs up and sticks his hand in the door causing it to reopen. He gets in and pushes the button marked 12. Octavia can tell that the man is looking at her, something she has gotten used to.

“Would you mind terribly if I asked to get a picture of us together?” he asks. “It’s just that my daughter did a project on you for her third grade class and she’d be so thrilled.”

“Sure, of course,” says Octavia.

The man holds his phone selfie-style, moves in next to her and snaps the picture. “Thank you so much,” he says as the door opens on twelve. As he leaves the elevator, he adds, “She’ll be so inspired that I met you.”

On the way up to sixteen, Octavia wonders what kind of curriculum would have a third grader do a project on an actress.  She exits the elevator and walks into the office of Solomon Berger, her agent since arriving in Hollywood.

“Good morning, Miss Spencer,” says the receptionist. “My, you look wonderful. Mr. Burger is in his office. You’re usual?”

“Good morning and thank you for noticing, Allison. It almost makes the dieting and exercise worthwhile. Fortunately, I can still have a latte, if I use Splenda instead of sugar, but I’m fasting until my weigh-in this afternoon. Thanks for offering, Allison.”

Octavia heads into the office. Solomon Berger is standing at his desk and is holding his arms open. Grinning, he says, “There’s my superstar. Let’s have a hug!”

Octavia strolls past him and sits in one of the client chairs. She puts her bag on the other. “You know what you need to do in order to get a hug, Buster,” she says.

“Sweetheart, the Rosa Parks film is still just a rumor.”

“And Spielberg? I suppose his interest is just a rumor, too? I’m not losing all this weight for nothing.”

“Octavia, you gotta trust Solly. Who got you Millie in The Help, Fruitvale Station and Hidden Figures?”

“I know, I know, but you also got me Car Dogs, Herpes Boy and Bad Santa 2.”

“Look, sweetheart. I promise you that when Spielberg makes a decision, I’ll know it even before Kate Capshaw. I’ll even spread some bad rumors about Viola Davis. With the new figure, you’ll be a shoo-in. By the way, are you sure you’re eating enough?”

“Just never you mind and get me that part. I’ve got to get to my USC gig.”

She gives him a hug on the way out.

*****

Octavia looks at the printed instructions from her email. She’s been to USC several times, but this route is different. She assumes that this particular film class just happens to be in a different building. Maybe the crowd is big enough to require a large lecture hall. “Check that ego, sister,” she says to herself. It’s just as likely that they’re in a seminar room. She fails to notice that this particular building has “Department of Computer Science” in large letters screwed into the brick façade.

She finds the room and enters. It is indeed a large lecture hall filled to capacity and beyond with several students standing along the walls. Her entrance is met with a standing ovation and thunderous applause. Octavia is both surprised and humbled as she graciously smiles and curtsies.

A young woman steps to the podium and waits for the noise to die down. “It is with great pleasure that I introduce our special guest to the Department of Computer Science students as well as our fellow students from the College of Urban Studies.”

Octavia is surprised to hear that these are not film students.

“Please welcome, Dorothy Vaughan!”

Octavia shoots a look of panic toward her host, who is applauding as vehemently as the students in the crowd. The young woman appears to be crying. Octavia moves to the podium and has another full five minutes of applause to think about what to do next. She realizes that her planned presentation will simply not do. After the students return to a seated position, she begins to speak.

“It is a privilege to address you fine examples of our future. It is as much of a privilege as when I was asked to portray Ms. Vaughan in the film Hidden Figures.”

Again, the crown erupts into applause.

“You know, I was planning to do the Q & A last, but since there are so many of you, I think I’d like to take some questions from the audience.”

Several of the students eagerly begin waving their hands. Octavia picks out the nerdiest-looking female, figuring that she at least looks non-threatening.

“What was it like to work for NASA in the early years of space flight?” asks the young woman.

“Um, good question. While I was able to portray a person from that time, I’m sure that it was quite exciting. Unfortunately, as an actress, I typically have to depend on the writers for most of the emotional motivation.”

The crowd erupts again.

Octavia decides to try a different approach. She chooses a young African-American man wearing a beret and a dashiki. “How about you, sir?”

“As an icon of the struggle against white oppression, can you describe your rise out of Jim Crow Mississippi?”

“Let me get a couple of things straight, young man. I did play a maid in a movie called The Help that was set in Mississippi and I am from the South, but I actually went to Jefferson Davis High School in Montgomery, Alabama. Also it was in the late 1980’s and then I received my degree from Auburn University.”

Again the crowd erupts.

Octavia is incredulous. She decides to give it one more try. This time she figures to go down the middle and picks an apparently mixed-race kid with thick glasses. “I have time for one more question. How about this young man on the aisle?”

The young man stands excitedly. “At NASA, you were a pioneer on the IBM 7090, which of course, operated using 50,000 transistors making it six times faster than its predecessor, the 709. With regard to the use of Assembly languages—“

“You all are going to have to excuse me. I just received an urgent message from Dr. Von Braun and Reverend King to save the world,” says Octavia. She turns, picks up her bag and heads out the way she came with the audience applauding the entire time.

*****

Octavia enters the Post Office on Wilcox. The line is short, but not enough to prevent a few furtive glances and whispers. Soon, a short-haired, middle-aged woman  calls out “Next,” and Octavia moves to the counter.

“How may I help you?” asks the woman.

Octavia makes a quick look at the worker’s nametag, something she learned to do after an awkward incident the first time she was recognized in a restaurant.  “Good morning, Angela. I’d like a book of stamps.”

Angela smiles at the personal gesture and adds, “Would you like to see any of our new commemoratives?” Just as suddenly, Angela’s face goes blank as she steps back and points to a sign above promoting the newest stamps.

Octavia casually looks at the sign depicting a new set of Black Heritage Commemorative Stamps. After a beat, her mouth drops open. “What the Hell…?”

All of the stamps represent a black person from the past, but all of the pictures are of Octavia in some sort of costume.

“Angela, is this some sort of Candid Camera type of joke? The six cents is a nice touch. Wait a minute…nobody even knew when I was coming here.”

“I-I never met anybody that was on a stamp before,” says Angela.

“I assume that’s because I think you’ve got to be dead ten tears to get on a stamp. That Harriet Tubman stamp, I played her on Drunk History, for God’s sake!”

“Maybe you look like the real Harriet Tubman,” says Angela.

By now, a crowd has gathered and several people are taking pictures. Octavia is becoming increasingly agitated.

“And I suppose I’m also a dead ringer for Hattie McDaniel and Dorothy Vaughan? Who made these stamps? I need to see a supervisor…actually I’d like to see the Postmaster General. And look at these other two…Slave woman? What the hell is that? That picture comes from Snowpiercer. It was a damned Sci-fi movie. What does this last one say? Shit Pie Maid? The character’s name was Minny! I’ll bet they got Aibileen right on Viola Davis’ fucking stamp!”

Suddenly, the room starts spinning and goes dark as Octavia hits the floor.

*****

Octavia wakens to see a man with a headset standing over her.  There is another young man kneeling next to her holding a cup. She hears a man’s voice say, “Come on, step back and give her some air.” An older man with a beard pushes through the crowd and kneels by Octavia’s side. He takes the water cup from the key grip and hands it to Octavia.

“Mr. Spielberg?” croaks out Octavia.

“Please, it’s Steven and please drink this. We can’t have our Rosa Parks falling out of her seat on the bus.”

“Rosa Parks? Where am I?”

“We’re on the set. It’s been a long and intense day of shooting. Can we get some of these lights turned off?”

“I-I must have gone too long without eating…Steven.”

Octavia takes a sip of water, and then shakes her head to regain her focus. The older man suddenly looks younger and no longer has a beard.

“Come on, people.” He says, brusquely. “We’ve got a schedule here and only another hour of daylight. If she can make it, get her back on her mark.”

“Steven?”

“Look, Octavia. I sure as hell ain’t Spielberg or I wouldn’t be directing this piece of crap. You’re on the set of Herpes Boy 2 and if you can’t make it, I’m sure we can always get Viola Davis.”

Flash Cards for Ex-Pats

I recently ran into a friend at a local coffee shop. He was leafing through a stack of index cards with short phrases written on them. When I asked what he was studying, he told me that he was trying to learn Spanish, and had created the cards with the hope of learning enough to allow him to survive in a Latin-American country.

It seems that he had recently spent three weeks in Guatemala to test the waters or living there.

“Why Guatemala?” I asked.

He said that he was so fed up with what was happening in this country that he felt it may be time to leave. I told him that any right-wing “America, love it or leave it” talk was really just that. These are the same ugly people who tell other Americans to “go back where they came from.”

He felt strongly enough to do a fair amount of research on the climate, both weather and political, as well as economics and relative friendliness of other countries. While I, myself am not ready to leave the U. S., his quest did give me an idea for a business venture.

With an ever-growing number of people leaving and/or getting run out of America, why not help the expatriates out a bit? I decided that there is a market for flash cards that would help Americans learn a new language in a way to help them assimilate more smoothly into their new land.

Below are some sample cards in a variety of the countries and languages to give you an idea about my new product.

CANADA

En ce qui me concerne, tout pays qui nous a donné William Shatner est d’accord avec moi.

As far as I’m concerned, any country that gave us William Shatner is okay by me.

Alors, où est-ce que je vais pour les soins médicaux gratuits?

So where do I go for the free medical care?

NEPAL

Tapā’īṁ yāka bhandā an’ya kunai pani māsu bōkna garchan?

Do you carry any meats other than yak?

TAIWAN

Wo yi zhi cheng ren ni de zhu quan

I have always recognized your sovereignty

MONTENEGRO

Žao mi je što je moj vođa gurnuo vašeg premijera

I’m sorry that my leader shoved your Prime Minister

NETHERLANDS

Wacht. De drugs zijn niet vrij? Jij noemt dit gesocialiseerde medicijn?

Wait. The drugs aren’t free? You call this socialized medicine?

ISRAEL

האם מישהו כבר יכול לסרב את מיזוג האוויר כבר?

Could someone maybe turn down the air conditioning already?

NORTH KOREA

Deol michin jidojaleul gajneun geos-i johda.

It’s nice to have a less crazy leader

yeogie gaega eobs-seubnikka? waenyahamyeon naneun gaeege aju alleleugigaiss-eo.

There’s no dog in this is there? Because I’m highly allergic to dog.

ITALY

Non guardarmi. Sostegno l’immigrazione e sono contro il muro, proprio come il tuo ragazzo, il papa

Don’t look at me. I support immigration and am against the wall, just like your boy, the Pope

Nessun oliveto? Non mi aspettavo.

No Olive Garden? I didn’t expect that.

RUSSIAN

Мне совершенно нечего сказать.

I have absolutely nothing to say.

INDIA

to kaheen koee haimbargar nahin?

So no hamburgers anywhere?

tumhen pata hai ki aapako apanee nadee mein bahut saare dookee milee hai.

You know you got a lot of dookie in your river.

JAPAN

Anata no shushō no sei wa Abedesu ka? Watashitachi ni wa sore o nanoru shachō ga itakaradesu.

So your Prime Minister’s last name is Abe? Because we had a president who had that as a first name.

Gojira ga arawareta toki ni keihō nado ga demasu ka?

Do we get an alarm or something when Godzilla shows up?

GREECE

Αστεία ιστορία. Πριν από πέντε χρόνια γελούσα σε σας.

Funny story. Five years ago I was laughing at you people.

SAUDI ARABIA

‘ana ln ‘akadhib. ‘innah harr kama aljahim huna. alhararat aljaffat mukharaty.

I’m not going to lie. It is hot as hell out here. Dry heat my ass.

GERMANY

Ich würde mich freuen, die Hand deines Kanzlers zu schütteln.

I would be happy to shake the hand of your Chancellor.

MEXICO

Tren de las dos maneras móviles ahora, perra

Train’s moving both ways now, bitch.

CHINA

Suǒyǐ zài zhèlǐ, tāmen zhǐshì jiàozuò cāntīng, ér bùshì zhōngguó cānguǎn?

So here, they’re just called restaurants, not Chinese restaurants?

Wǒ méiyǒu tóupiào gěi húndàn

I didn’t vote for the asshole.

FRANCE

Je ne peux que parler pour moi et j’adore Paris.

I can only speak for myself and I love Paris.

AUSTRALIA

Crikey! I don’t think your military is scared, mate.

I don’t think that your military is scared.

HAITI

Seryezman, li vrèman vinn sa ki move.

Seriously, it’s really gotten that bad.

This will help you to decide whether you want to get in on the ground floor of this rapidly growing market. I’ll provided my Kickstarter information at a later date.

 

Copyright

 

Strangers on a Training Table

MixPac

“This okay Mr. Mixon?” says a man in a white scrub top with a football helmet embroidered on the left breast. He is massaging the calf of a young muscular African-American man lying face down on a training table deep in the bowls of Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati. The young man has only a towel over his backside.

“Please, call me Joe,” says the young man. “And you are?”

“Sal,” says the trainer, tersely. “Just want to make sure this is okay, uh…Joe.”

“It’s fine, Sal,” says Joe. “Anything is fine. You’re the first person I’ve met here that hasn’t asked me about the ‘incident’.”

Sal does not respond. He puts down the leg he’s been working on and walks around the table to the other side. He lifts the other leg and begins working on the calf.

Joe thinks back to his first days as a Cincinnati Bengal draft pick. He had fallen well into the second round due to his year-long suspension at the University of Oklahoma for striking a woman in the face at a bar. After months of anger-management, he is still mostly angry with himself for doing it in a public place and being caught on camera.

While happy that the Bengals took a chance on him, he is still angered that a clear first-round talent like himself, should have to continually put up with the lingering questions. At his Meet the Media press conference, one of these fat white fools actually asked him if he felt that his troubled past was behind him, like he would tell a reporter that he was going to commit a crime in advance.

This was the second day of the camp for rookies and free-agents. Joe had already received far more attention than the Bengals first-round pick, John Ross, a receiver at #10. Joe thought bitterly to himself that he’d have been picked in the top ten were it not for that bitch… Joe stopped himself and took three deep breaths as he was taught in therapy. He knew it wouldn’t help.

A man in a tank-top and shorts walks into the otherwise empty room. He drapes a towel onto the surface of the neighboring training table and then places three rolled towels at the head of the table where a pillow might go. Sal overtly avoids eye-contact. The man hops onto the training table and lies on his back. He carefully flips his dreadlocks over the small stack of rolled towels and settles his head on them. “Sal,” he says.

Sal quickly puts down Joe’s leg that he is working on and hurries out of the room.

Joe still has his head turned from the other man. “I’m not supposed to talk to you,” he says.

“So you know who I am, then. Good, it’ll save some time. Who put the word out on me? Coach Lewis?”

“It was the running backs coach…Caskey,” says Joe.

“I figured that pussy wouldn’t do it himself. It came from the top anyway. Coach don’t do shit without the man’s say-so. When they gonna realize that Pacman Jones runs this team?”

“I thought you dropped the ‘Pacman’ and went back to your given name…Adam was it?”

“Just for the press, my brother. My agent suggested it. Anybody important knows what to call me.”

“Well whatever you go by, just steer clear of me. I don’t need no trouble. I spent the last two years climbing out of the shit. Mike Brown told me that as long as—“

“Fuck that motherfucker,” says Pacman. “He don’t know shit about what goes on here. Turn around and look at me when I’m talkin’ to you, boy!”

Joe thinks for a moment then slowly turns his head toward the next table. Pacman continues to look up at the ceiling. Joe wonders if this is some psychological ploy or if Pacman is simply a sociopath. He also wonders if he should have done the assigned reading while in therapy.

“Got a proposition for you, boy,” says Pacman. “First I gotta tell you how things run here. As you know, I got quite a track record of infractions here.”

“Nine arrests, I was told,” says Joe.

“Not all with the Bengals, but you get the point. You must also know that the Bengals lead the league in arrests.”

“And generally fucked-up behavior as well as early playoff exits,” says Joe.

“Don’t believe everything you hear from a white running backs coach. Another dumb-ass move by Mike Brown, but you’ll find that out for yourself.”

“So why are you here? Vets aren’t due for three more days.”

Pacman ignores Joe and plows ahead. “I saw the video of you punching that woman,” says Pacman.

“You and the rest of the world. I put it behind me. I gotta move on.”

“Bullshit. Even on the grainy video, I could see that you enjoyed it. I get it. We all need to release anger…especially us high-level athletes. Nobody knows what it’s really like. Nobody else can know the high of the hitting and the competition at this level. The bitch should have thanked you for making her famous.”

“I can’t talk about this, man,” says Joe.

“So just listen. I got suspended for a year after Dallas released me. I was outta control. While on suspension, I connected with Chris Henry, who I went to college with at West Virginia.”

“They told us all about him in orientation. He got killed falling out of a truck cause of some brain disease,” says Joe.

“He ain’t had no brain disease, least not from football. That motherfucker was crazy before he got to West Virginia. He jumped out that truck on purpose to fuck with his girlfriend only he got his ass killed instead.” Pacman turns to look at Joe for the first time. “Chris got suspended soon after me, but after he died, I guess the Bengals felt bad or something, ‘cause they signed me when I couldn’t even get a gig in Canada. It was then that I decided on a new approach.”

“Whatever your new approach is, it don’t seem to be working very well,” says Joe.

“It ain’t about the arrests, it’s about the money.”

“The money? What do you mean?” Joe grabs his towel and readjusts it over his crotch as he sits up to face Pacman.

Pacman smiles. “How much that bitch cost you, Joe?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Yes you do. You paid her a settlement. Six figures? Seven?”

Joe looks at the floor. “A million,” he says softly.

“And what’s the difference in your contract getting’ drafted in the second round instead of the first?”

“About twelve million over four years,” says Joe.

“I figured your agent woulda pointed that out. So this bitch gets in your face and cost you 13 million dollars, a million of which you gotta pay before you even earn it…that about right?”

“Yeah, so? What’s done is done. I figure I’ll make it back on the next contract.”

Pacman sits up to face Joe.

“You think you’re done hittin’ bitches? You don’t think they’s gonna be taunting you every chance they get? And the ones who don’t wanna get hit, will be happy to get themselves knocked up with your babies all right. Had this teammate with the Titans who had like nine baby mamas. He got arrested for drug trafficking ‘cause he couldn’t keep up with the support payments.”

“So what’s this got to do with me and how does your system help?”

“My system focuses on the money instead of the behavior. Drinkers gonna drink, druggies gonna drug, fuckers gonna fuck,” says Pacman, while looking directly at Joe, “and bitch slappers, gonna bitch slap.”

“Not me,” says Joe. “I’m here to play football.”

“Sure Joe, we all are…but shit happens. Let me explain. Different infractions have different costs. For example, a first offense usually carries little or no financial penalty, either fines or suspensions.”

Joe shrugs.

“One of my incidents, I spit in some chick’s face in a bar,” says Pacman.

“So?”

“She wasn’t my chick. I did it for a teammate.”

“What? Why would you do that?”

“Cause I didn’t know her. I did it for a teammate. He does it, he gets sued for a hundred grand. I do it and worst I get is a small fine and a night in the pokey.”

“But why?” asks Joe.

“’Cause he hooked me up in return.”

“I don’t get it.”

“He fucked up a guy in a bar for me. My last bar incident got me a year’s suspension and an eleven million dollar settlement. He was only looking at a fine and misdemeanor. It was a win-win. Had another teammate do 15 days for a big marijuana deal. I’da gotten ten years.”

“What did that cost you?”

“I’d rather not say other than he has significantly less child support obligations.”

“This sounds pretty insane. I can assure you that I won’t be in any need of your tit-for-tat services,” says Joe.

“I guess we won’t know that until it happens, but I can tell that you still have that anger in you…and the life here at this level will only add more pressure. At some point, you’re gonna need to let it out and that’s fine with me. I just want to let you know that when you need some woman put in her place, that it’s gonna cost you everything. I might be able to help you out when that time comes. I also hope that if I need something taken care of, and you can help a brother out with minimal financial consequence to yourself, well…”

Joe continues to stare at the floor. Pacman looks at him for a moment.

“There is something, isn’t there?” asks Pacman.

“I meant this chick at a party after I was drafted,” says Joe. “I haven’t seen her since, but after I got my signing bonus, she texted me that she was pregnant. I’ve been holding her off, but…”

Pacman slides off his table and puts his hand on Joe’s shoulder. “Put some clothes on and let’s get a drink, rookie. There’s nothing like a veteran teammate to help you with a problem.”

Waiting for Takeoff

Waiting

I’m sure that you all have seen pictures of airplanes lined up on the runway waiting to take off. I’ve been on planes that have already taxied from the gate when the pilot comes on and says something like, “Ladies and gentlemen, we are fifteenth in line for takeoff and should have you in the air in less than 40 minutes.”

On a recent flight, I saw a very similar image, only this was while sitting in the terminal. As I waited at the Southwest terminal for a flight home, I noticed a surprising number of people in wheelchairs lining up at my gate. By the time that the plane began its boarding procedures, there were fifteen passengers in wheelchairs in a single queue curving back from the gangway. Since all of the chairs had the Southwest logo and an embroidered picture of a jet on the back, from a certain angle, it looked, to me at least, a lot like the planes stacked up on the runway.

Now I had spent the previous day, as is Southwest policy, on my computer trying to check in simultaneously with 200 other passengers, to get an earl boarding number, lest I end up in a middle seat in the back of the plane. I thought that I was successful with an A49, typically in the first twenty percent. Alas, this was not to be. In addition to the fifteen people in wheelchairs, there were one to four additional travelers in each of their parties.

This not only meant that at least 60 unexpected passengers would board before me, it also meant that the fifteenth wheelchair user would have 59 people boarding before they even reached the check-in point. Fortunately for me, Southwest boards people with small children in between the A and B sections. It made me wonder about the changing trend of more handi-capable people able to get out and about in the world due to the American Disability Act and scumbag lawyers.

We are all familiar with the ISA or International Symbol of Access. It is the stick figure in a wheelchair painted on all of the parking spaces for handicapped drivers. We’ve also seen people using these spaces bound out of their vehicles and traipse into Walmart. One of the downsides of increased accessibility seems to be an increased amount of cynicism among the rest of us. I will admit that in the frustration of having to park a half-mile away from a store where I need one item, I’ve muttered the phrase, “Those handicapped people get all the breaks.” If you do not believe me, talk to someone who has recently visited Disney World. There are more fit looking people in wheelchairs there then at the mass Hamstring Flu epidemic in the late thirties.

I have found myself and others judging the relative worthiness of supermarket customers using the motorized shopping devices. This has some basis in reality. I have an aunt, who at 80 and after an ankle replacement (they can do that?) says that the time in the airport is now the best part of the trip. She arranges to have a wheelchair meet her at the curb and take through the terminal, through security, and all the way onto the plane. After landing, it’s the same thing in reverse. When she travels with her 90-year-old companion, they are taking up two employees for a significant amount of time. I guess that’s why my airplane snack has been reduced to well, peanuts.

The thing is, as the number of people using wheelchairs at the airport increases, it becomes less of a benefit. I fear that soon people will be judged on the severity of their handicap to get a better place in line. I don’t want to see someone smashing their knee in a mensroom stall door in order to move up the line.

I was already on a plane once when the flight was cancelled due to a maintenance issue (or possibly a drunken pilot). It was a late flight, so everyone dashed to one of the counters to make alternate arrangements. The wheelchair people already had the advantage of deplaning first. I dashed to a farther counter that had a shorter line. There is no truth to any rumor that I pushed anyone out of the way nor did I jump over anyone. Still, the wheelchair people were moved to the front of the line. This was not an issue of access. Why couldn’t these people wait with the rest of us. As a matter of fact, I would think that waiting would be right in the wheelchair wheelhouse.

Years ago, my friend Tyrone told me of a time he was at an airport and saw a young child playing with an unused wheelchair. We have been debating for years the propriety of the behavior, the relative quality of the parenting, and just about any other issue we could dream up. Now we know that this kid could have been a young Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg. He was clearly a pioneer who was way ahead of his time and out in front of this trend.

I’m still quite content to be able to walk on and off a plane under my own steam and hope to be able to for a long time (I recognize that divine punishment from a deity who reads my blog could eventually become a problem). In any case, I hope that you are all aware of this trend and will go out among the air travelers and be my judgmental eyes and ears. The fakers need to know that they are being watched.

She Had to Get Her Popeyes

Popeyes

CAST:

Theresa – White, any age

Bob – White, any age

SETTING:

Theresa is driving and Bob is a passenger on a multi-lane Florida road.

Bob:

Watch out for the lady in the median.

Theresa:

I see her. You know she’s gonna cross in front of me.

Bob:

Why do you hate jaywalkers so much?

Theresa:

Besides the fact that it is against the law, this road is three lanes in both directions and the speed limit is fifty.

Bob:

We sure as hell aren’t going fifty now. I hate the stop and go traffic. Aren’t these lights supposed to be timed to improve traffic flow?

Theresa:

Even more to my point about the danger. When people are going the speed limit there are openings to cross. See? There she goes, winding between the cars. She had to get her Popeye’s.

Bob:

That sounded kind of racist.

Theresa:

What are you talking about? She was literally coming from Popeye’s. She had the bag in her hand.

Bob:

Still, it sounded odd to me.  If she was coming from say, The Olive Garden, I don’t think you would have mentioned the restaurant.

Theresa:

What? You are insane. Are you saying that only black people eat fried chicken? I’m not even sure she was black. I just hate the jaywalking. It was really meant as a “this would make an appropriate tombstone” joke.

Bob:

It’s not just fried chicken. If this was a white woman, possibly carrying a bible, with a bag from Chick-fil-A, I don’t think you would have mentioned the restaurant.

Theresa:

A bible? Who is doing the stereotyping here? Did I say it with any urban inflection? Did I say “She gotta get her Popeye’s?”

Bob:

First of all, the correct translation would be, “Sistah-girl, gots to get her some Popeye’s.” I’m just saying that it caused my political correctness sensitivity radar to go up.

Theresa:

I hate it when you do this. I’m the least racist person you know.

Bob:

Okay, here we go. That’s what our President says. It’s code for, “I may be racist, but I’m not likely to be the worst”. Next you’ll be telling me about all of the well-spoken black friends you have.

Theresa:

What? They’re your friends, too!

Bob:

Not the same thing. They are my “people”, they are your friends.

Theresa:

What the hell does that mean? If you flip down that sun visor, you can look in the mirror and see that like me, you are also white.

Bob:

Street cred, baby. I can’t help it if I’m down. Besides, we’re all the same color on the inside.

Theresa:

So it’s just our outsides that have all of the privilege?

Bob:

Remember last week, when we were going to the dump with all of the yard waste?

Theresa:

Yeah, so?

Bob:

Remember when I said, “I got the funk?”

Theresa:

No, I do not.

Bob:

You asked me what I had to be sad about.

Theresa:

Not ringing a bell.

Bob:

And I said, “I’m not in a funk…I got the funk.”

Theresa:

“Oh, right, and then you went on to explain the deep nuances and urban etymology of the word ‘funk’.

Bob:

Exactly. I told you about this white dude I used to work with who claimed to be a big fan of funk music. I started talking to him about The Ohio Players and George Clinton, and it turned out that he was talking about blues-rock and Grand Funk Railroad.

Theresa:

Again with this? Enough, already. We’re almost at the beach. I don’t want to be arguing about this all day. Do you want to pick up some lunch to eat there?

Bob:

You pick.

Theresa:

No thanks. You never like what I pick.

Bob:

But it’s your turn. There must be something you want.

Theresa:

I do have a hankering, but I shouldn’t.

Bob:

Just tell me.

Theresa:

You’re moronic ramblings got it stuck in my head. Can you check on your phone to see if there’s a Popeye’s nearby?

Bob:

That’s what I’m talkin’ about, Sistah-girl!

Theresa:

Please, just shut the hell up.

Optics

Optics

There is a lot of talk these days about optics. Some people have apparently become more concerned about the appearance of their actions rather than the motivations, morality or consequences. While I typically prefer to rely on an ethical code or at least, a bit of risk analysis before taking many actions, I can’t say that using optics is the worst methodology. For example, even if you fail to use an ounce of gray matter while defining your overbooking policies, the optics of getting cops to drag a screaming and bleeding customer that you sold a seat to, down the corridor of your airplane, well, let’s just say that it doesn’t look good.

My wife, Theresa and I are in the process of selling our house. She has already moved to Raleigh, NC to start a new job, while I remain in South Florida, hoping to get a relatively quick sale of our home. We spent about eight weeks packing, selling, donating and Chart 1moving half a century’s worth of crap prior to her move. After she pulled out of the driveway, I headed west to visit Jimmy, an old friend from New Jersey, who has retired to Naples, FL with his wife Marilyn.

I really needed the break. My arms and hands were so sore, that I could barely make the drive across Alligator Alley. Since Marilyn was out of town visiting her sister, I was really looking forward to going with Jimmy to the beach, chilling in the pool, and watching a ton of sports, including the NCAA Final Four semis.

When I arrived around lunchtime on Friday, Jimmy informed me that his friend, who is a professional singer, was performing at a local restaurant that evening and that he felt we should go. Great…I’ve been apart from Theresa for about six hours, and I’m already thinking about the optics.

You might wonder what I would have to be concerned about, but this wasn’t the first time that I had this particular experience with Jimmy. Several months ago, I visited him when both Theresa and Marilyn were out of town. We went to see his friend perform then as well. It seems that in Jimmy’s community and circle of friends, there are significantly more women than men, and by women, I am referring specifically to single women.

Theresa and I have been happily married for about 34 years. During that time, I have certainly looked at plenty of other women, but have carefully avoided touching, ogling, sniffing and most forms of communication. Still, every so often, I will get the impression that a woman somehow is charmed by me, causing me to wonder about the great “What if”?

Here’s an example. Several years ago, our doorbell rang during the day on a weekend. My wife peeked through the curtains and said, “Ugh, Jehovah Witnesses…make like we’re not home.”

Well I always open the door for proselytizers. I find it to be polite, neighborly and interesting. Did you know that Mormon Elders are not allowed to tell you their first names? We always had the Awake Magazine around when I was a kid, because my sweet Jewish gChart 2randmother always opened the door for these nutbags.

On this particular day, one of the two Witnesses was younger than most was actually not unattractive. I spoke to them for a while, took their magazine and thought nothing of it. Over the next several weeks, this same young lady came back to the house three more times, twice by herself. This seemed a bit unusual to me. I mean, I know I’m a heathen, but there must be more desperate souls than mine.

“Damn,” said Theresa, “She’s into you bad. Quite frankly, I don’t see the attraction.”

I was cut to the quick. I’m charming. Who wouldn’t be into me? On her last visit, the lovely young Angel told me that she was moving to Arizona. She paused for a moment as though giving me a cue to go pack my bag to join her.  I wished her luck and returned to my wife who was more amused than she needed to be.

My point is that all married men, or at least this one, sometimes wonder what it would be like to be on the dating scene. We have tons of experience being mistaken about what women want. When I connected with several female former classmates around my 40th High School reunion last summer, I was amazed how many remembered how funny I was and fondly recalled some of my writing and antics. I guess they were too immature at sixteen to appreciate the important things while they blew me off to date the athletes. Enjoy your third divorce, bitches!

I have several single friends and have had to live vicariously through them. One, I’ll call him Subject A, recently met me for dinner. He’s been actively playing the field for decades and I love hearing about his experiences, both good and bad. I asked him how the computer dating was working. Based on the commercials and my experience with computers, databases and statistics, I figured that it must be the greatest invention for relationships since Eve.

“It’s the worst,” said Subject A. “Everyone lies and is crazy.” He told me of a recent experience. Date One: It lasted three days. Other than a minor disagreement about her alcohol consumption, he thought that this might be the one! “She’s even Jewish,” he said. Date Two (a week later): Also three days. He took her to a restaurant and the second the owner saw her, he threw them both out. “Never again!” he shouted. It also was revealed that the woman had been arrested three times during the intervening week, in three separate incidents. She’d spent much of the week in jail. He tried to break it off, but she needed a ride to two different court appearances on Monday and was too impaired to drive. She was not the one.

On the other hand, I had dinner with another friend (Subject B), who met his fiancée through Match.com, so it must work for somebody. I asked if they planned to have kids. “Funny story,” he said, “I kind of already do.” It seems he had a houseguest a few years back from a distant country. At some point, she asked Subject B to be a sperm donor for Prismher and her lesbian partner. He eventually agreed and flew halfway around the world (at their expense…even the most gentlemanly among us have our limits), and gave enough of himself to father boy and girl twins. He gets pictures on Facebook. I asked if he had included this on his Match.com profile. He had omitted this tidbit.

Jimmy and Marilyn have been married for nearly 45 years. Apparently he likes to dance. I don’t know about Marilyn since she always seems to be conveniently out of town when this comes up. The first time we went out to see his friend perform, we were sitting at a large high-top table with about eight women. I don’t know how many were single, but they were here unaccompanied. Jimmy and I sat across from two of them, one who was quite fetching.

As I conversed and told people of my writing and demonstrated my overall charisma, Jimmy occasionally got up to dance. “You should dance,” I was told by several of the women. That’s when the optics hit me. I don’t even dance with my wife. If I end up on Facebook dancing with some chick barely hours after seeing my wife off on a business trip…well, you get the idea.

At one point, a couple of old creepers came by looking for a date and the two women across from us used me and Jimmy as beards. They said they were with us. The one who said that I was her date was a recently widowed minx who played golf regularly. I wondered if telling another dude that she was with me legally bound her in some way. This was all happening too fast for me. I desperately wanted to be with Theresa and the warmth of her six-figure income.

On this second time out dancing with the divorcees and widows, I would be more prepared. I would just cower in the corner until it was over. Unfortunately, the only seats were right up front by the tiny dancing area. I was buffed by more hips and boobs than had I gone through a car wash. At one point, a woman of a certain age sat next to me and that certain age was probably 75. I liked her sweater and thought it would look good on my wife, but I wasn’t going to ask the woman where she got it, nor would Theresa find it under the seat of my car.

The woman asked me how I felt. I muttered that I was okay, but then felt her giving a Chart 3deep-tissue massage to my forearm as she said, “You feel great to me.” There was an even creepier exchange a bit later that even me, The Man with No Filters, is reluctant to discuss. I was overwhelmed by thoughts of banter and ego, and loneliness and desperation.

I do not think that predicting the optics of a situation is a sufficient means of keeping your sorry ass out of trouble, but is better than no system at all, particularly when seemingly everyone is carrying a camera. Hopefully Theresa doesn’t need to watch me since I have the good sense to watch myself…and it gives me plenty to write about.