Guess Who’s Coming to (Sunday) Dinner

Kaepernick tattoo

Advertisements

Toilet Tales

Dont piss

I have been avoiding this topic due to the edgy subject matter. If you are a regular reader of my work, you are aware of the extremity of my boundaries. Even so, this is a very private subject for most people. It seems strange as pretty much everyone experiences the toilet several times per day. As a matter of fact, the only people I can think of who have an extreme sense of freedom regarding the toilet are the nearly ten percent of the U. S. population who have been incarcerated for a week or more.

What really amazes me is that the privacy issue with regard to the evacuation of waste extends well beyond the stall door. I know many people that automatically break eye contact and turn their head away when their dog stops to take a dump. When using the restroom with Carlos, a former co-worker, he would always use the stall to pee, instead of a neighboring urinal. I assumed that he had some level of Peeing in stallpublic performance anxiety. I tested my theory by calling out, “You okay in there Carlos? Can’t you go with anyone watching?” It turned out that indeed he could not. It probably doesn’t help when I constantly bring it up.

We even use dozens of euphemisms to soften the blow, so to speak. We use the crude; piss, dump, crap, shit, the descriptive; leak, squirt, log, deuce, brick, the colloquial; pish, pee pee, kaka, dookie, poop, doody, the clinical; urine, stool, defecation, fecal matter, and the prim, tinkle, number one, bowel movement, number two. Feel free to send me the terms that your family used. I grew up in a pish and doody home. I asked my wife about her childhood, but after 35 years of marriage, she still won’t tell me.

This also seems odd because of the health aspects of waste evacuation. Check WebMD and you will see that urinary and colon dysfunction is a symptom of nearly every internal ailment. When I was a kid, if I complained about any physical discomfort, including a hangnail, my grandmother’s first question would always be, without fail, “When did you last move your bowels?” It was the miracle cure since I knew that the next question would be, “Has anyone seen the rectal thermometer?” The kids with perfect attendance aren’t the healthiest. They just have the most anally fixated parents.

I’ve broken down the rest of this treatise in sections so that you readers can skip any parts that you find potentially offensive or distressing. Actually, you may want to print it and leave it next to the toilet. This way, if you really hate it, you can wipe your ass with it and at least figuratively give me the lowest of reviews.

Aesthetics

Most bathrooms look pretty much the same, but I’ve seen a few that stood out. Once Steel Urinalat a public park to watch my son play baseball, I went to relieve myself and found the coolest urinals. They were similar in shape as the porcelain models, but these were completely made out of riveted sheet metal with sharp corners and angles. I immediately thought that they would be what I’d expect to find on a Klingon warship.

I have visited a small number of ladies rooms albeit always by accident. Usually it’s in a theme restaurant with some cutesy Signname replacing Men and Women. I recall a seafood place that had Buoys and Gulls. I was halfway through the crowded Gulls room before I got the bit.

My friend Tyrone is a professional driver and often works in Manhattan. Unfortunately, he also has frequent gastric issues. As a result, he has a near encyclopedic knowledge of all of the usable bathrooms in the Best Bathroomcity. He can let you know which are closest to temporary parking, which ones have attendants (Tyrone is a generous men’s room attendant tipper), and even the décor. His favorite is a hotel with floor-to-ceiling privacy doors.

Urinal decals can be a nice enhancement. I’ve seen some sponsored by a local exterminator (aptly named Nozzle Nolen). The urinals have decals in the center of a target with an invasive pest in the middle with Yankees Urinalsuggestions to improve your aim. Another favorite was a trip to a bathroom in a sports stadium. Each urinal had a decal depicting one of their rival teams. Classy.

The worst design in any bathroom is one where a mirror is placed directly opposite the toilet. If anyone questions why bathroom activities are meant to be private, this view of yourself is certain to make all answers clear.

Fellow Users

I’m not sure why, but the public bathrooms in New Jersey and New York tended to be total biohazards compared to other places I’ve lived and visited. I’d hate to think that there are proportionally more savages in the Northeast, but I have seen some nasty, well…shit. People piss on the seat, the floor, the roll of toilet paper, even the top of the urinal. On my worst day, I couldn’t even imagine doing such a thing.

Tyrone’s pet peeve is people not washing their hands. He’s chased people down the hall to call them out and to shame them. I love the handwashing instructions. At my previous school, there were several steps listed including repetition and decisions. I actually brought it to class to teach flowcharting and hygiene together.

Once I was in a stall and in the stall next to me, a guy was having a loud conversation on his phone. It was bizarre and annoying. I cried out in fake pain as though I was passing a kidney stone. When the dope failed to get the message, I got louder and began cursing the Gods for causing my deep constipation. Eventually, he got the message and shut up.

My pet peeve is waiting in a fast food joint to use a single restroom and when the previous user steps out…well, picture this: A rather large fellow exits the room. He is generally north of 350 pounds, and is obviously at lunch after a sweaty morning of farming, roofing, sumo wrestling, or whatever. He usually will have a long beard and several tattoos as well as some sort of biker regalia squirting out between his jeans and his overhanging gut. Anything less than four burritos would be a light nosh for this gentleman. I make no judgement other than the fact that he leaves the bathroom walking as though he just delivered a small calf. You know…I think I can wait.

Oddities

Is there a place that always gets your bowels moving? I have no idea why, but for me it is the Public Library. It is a rare visit where I am not running to the can within minutes of looking in the stacks. Weird, right?

I went into a bathroom to pee once and there were two urinals. One has a hole cracked in the porcelain, so I decided to use the undamaged one. Shortly afterward, while I was doing my business, I guy wearing a suit bellies up to the other one. After I finish, I pull on the flusher and a torrent of pee water blasts out of the other guy’s urinal and soaks his suit and pants. I’m pretty sure I darted out without washing my hands and a quick, “Sorry, Dude.”

One visit to a stall in a Publix supermarket involved an odd sight. The sink was inside of the stall and when I threw out my paper towel, I noticed that there were a couple of dozen scratch-off lottery tickets on top of the trash. All of the scratch-off material was there as well so it was obvious that someone bought them, and immediately went into the stall to test their luck. I hope they at least had a smooth poop.

Bathroom Fun

Now that everything is electronically controlled, the public bathroom is a constant source of amusement and embarrassment. The toilets, urinals, sinks, soap dispensers, and paper towel dispensers all have the potential to be automated. How many times have you held your hand out waiting for something to happen before realizing that you actually had to operate the one device manually? I’ve also had toilets or paper towels come to life by just moving too close to the sensor.

My favorite bathroom activity is when someone stands next to me at a urinal just as I get there. I will turn to the gentleman and quickly say, “On your mark, get set, go!” You might think this would result in an ass-whupping, but two things are guaranteed. The person will not be able to pee, and they will never respond or acknowledge the challenge. I zip up, lift up my arms, say “WIN”, and head to the sink. Never fails.

Who’s the D-bag Now?

Phd

My wife and I recently moved from South Florida to Raleigh, North Carolina to unload the giant house in which we raised out three children and to be closer to our oldest who hopefully will crank out a grandchild one of these days. Originally we lived in New Jersey and like most people living in the New York span of influence, had developed a thick skin and a slightly prickly way of dealing with all of the rest of the jerks among us.

My grandmother was born in New York and moved with her family to Newark, New Jersey as an adolescent to “get out of the rough urban stink of the inner city.” It was probably like our move to Coral Springs, Florida in Broward County. We were west of Ft. Lauderdale, south of Palm Beach and North of Miami. This tri-county area is pretty much the sixth borough of New York. It was pleasant at first, with less horn blowing, but eventually became nearly as obnoxious as North Jersey.

I was checking out my new area in Raleigh. I had just left my water aerobics class at the YMCA. I had originally joined the “Y” to play basketball, but quickly found that while my spirit was 25 years old, my knees were 59. Pleasantly, I found that water aerobics was populated by nearly exclusively women who read. I brought my books and sold half a dozen. I left the gym and headed to the Library to find out about getting my books in there as well.

While pulling into my parking spot, I noticed the car in the next space had a vanity license plate that said UNC-PHD. Instantly, my snarly New Jersey sensibilities kicked in and I decided to take a picture of the plate and send it to some select friends with an appropriate caption. Well, maybe not so appropriate. I knew that this particular group of friends (including my children) would all agree that anyone getting this sort of license plate was obviously a narcissistic blowhard, who we had every right to make the object of our derision.

These friends included Tyrone and Joe. I spoke to Tyrone a day earlier and he told me about a good deed that he had done. When I complimented him on his actions, he told me that he was doing a good deed in case he needed to come down and slap some sense into a couple who had rejected our offer on the house they were selling. I explained that he may be using the principles of karma incorrectly.

I’ll admit that this was not my best bit, but to the right audience, a picture of this license plate accompanied by my caption of DCHE-BAG was guaranteed to get at least a chuckle. As a matter of fact, when relating this story to each of them, they all laughed. Here’s the problem. As I lifted my phone to take the photo of the plate, a woman walked up to me and asked why I was taking a picture of her car. Being the quick thinker that I am, I immediately came up with a credible lie. I told her that my son-in-law was finishing his PhD at the University of North Carolina and I thought he’d like to see the plate.

Technically this was not really a lie as he actually is in his last year of his PhD studies, but I’m not so low as to cheat at karma like say, Tyrone. The crazy thing is that the woman began talking to me and may have been the nicest and sweetest person on the planet. I even ended up giving her a copy of one of my bookmarks when she told me how much she enjoyed blogs.  After she departed, I was left standing in the parking lot, holding my phone with the picture of her plate wondering, “Who is the DCHE-BAG now?”

As I walked into the library, I thought about this at a deeper level. I wondered if the people here were so nice, that they wouldn’t even get the joke about condescending and demeaning someone’s vanity plate choice. The might even be so nice as to not be narcissistic at all. Could this be possible?

After the library, I called Joe, who also happens to be a Buddhist.  He did laugh at the bit, but also gave me a primer in karma to pass on to Tyrone. What was really crazy was that a half hour later, while going into a bookstore, I saw the license plate KARMAH, as though I needed a reminder to consider my evil New Jersey ways.

Karma

The testing continues as later that day, I walked into a thrift store and saw a record album prominently displayed on the top of a pile of LPs. It was by The George Mitchell Minstrels, and was actually by a barbershop style group of Caucasian singers who perform in, yes, you guessed it…blackface! The album cover depicted a cartoon drawing of a fellow with a cane, striped jacket and panama hat in actual blackface.

Minstrel

Granted, the album was old and the group from England, but still! I’d like to think that a responsible store owner would forgo the dollar, even for charity, to avoid offending the hyper-sensitive population of today. This seemed no less offensive than finding Josef Goebbels Greatest Hits on the shelf.

In any case, I’m obviously going to have to approach my new home and neighbors with a bit more caution than I might in New Jersey or South Florida. I’m clearly not in Kansas anymore, although, that might be less of an adjustment for a DCHE-BAG like me.

 

Rounding Third and Headed for Hell

20170627_111743

I got my ball. After fifty years and dozens of visits to Major League stadiums, I finally got my genuine Major League game ball. As usual, there is a crazy story behind this event, which I’m sure you will agree that it will result in a deeper level of Hell for me someday. But first, for those of you who are not baseball fans, or had a deprived childhood, let me provide some background regarding the significance of this event.

For most normal red-blooded American kids, when first attending a Major League baseball game, you quickly realize that nothing on this earth could be more thrilling that getting a ball that was hit into the stands. Why do you suppose so many kids and even adults bring their gloves to the game? They constantly show the guy catching balls in the stands on TV broadcasts of games. I’ve watched thousands of games, each with dozens of foul balls and home runs, and in each case, someone ends up holding that white sphere of triumph over their head to show off to the world.

I’ve seen men catch balls while holding a baby. I’ve seen people catch them in their beer cup. Since the first guy usually misses the ball, I’ve seen people diving over and under seats to find the prize. Commentators frequently mock adults for diving over other patrons, elbowing someone out of the way, or even worse, snatching a ball from a kid’s hand. I’m not condoning this behavior, but I also don’t need judgement from a team employee or a former player who can go down to the clubhouse and pick up a ball at any time.

If you are familiar with the Steve Bartman play in the 2003 National League Championship Series game 6 that effectively cost the Cubs a chance at their first championship in over a century, you’d get all of this. A Cubs fan decided to go for a ball at a critical time in the game which prevented Moises Alou, a Cubs outfielder to catch it. This opened the floodgates to a Marlins rally that basically ended the Cubs season. Even though every single fan in the section was reaching for the ball, it was Steve Bartman who touched it. He is currently living a slightly more secluded life than Salman Rushdie.

Most baseball fans are like me in that they’ve never got a ball or even came particularly close. Still, I’ll bet any real baseball fan can tell you the closest they came to a ball. Mine was a night game at Yankee Stadium on May, 11th 1979. I know it was at the end of my junior year in college, but I have no recollection who I went to the game with. I do know that I was sitting in the left field bleachers, just a few rows behind outfielder, Lou Piniella. With two California Angels on base in the top of the fourth, Don Baylor lifted a high fly ball in my direction. As Piniella moved back to the wall, dozens of fans and I instinctively stood as one, waiting for the ball to arrive. It landed about four rows behind me. Pretty crazy, right?

I’m not the only one like this. A few years back, I was at a game in the new Marlins Park in Miami with my friend Tyrone. We had good seats in foul territory and spoke of the opportunity to get a ball. Tyrone is tall and could have the opportunity to reach over another fan. Obviously, there are no rules when everyone covets the same thing. Still, Tyrone deludes himself into thinking that he can follow a code. Even crazier is his belief that everyone else should follow the same code. He still insists that if he were in the Bartman seat, he’d have had the discipline to not reach for the ball. Yeah, right.

This came up when a ballhawk took up residence in the walkway in front of our seats. A ballhawk is someone who regularly gets balls using a combination of determination, tenacity, and asshole-like soulless behavior. Tyrone seems to think that one ball is enough. I pointed out that this was not true for any of the other things that we once coveted like cookies, money or sex. After the first time, we just wanted more and still do.

A couple of years later, Tyrone and I were at Fenway Park in Boston sitting in the right field bleachers. During batting practice, I walked up to the wall where pitchers were shagging fly balls. Some of the pitchers would occasionally toss a ball to a fan. This is another legitimate way to obtain a game ball. They were throwing the balls mostly to kids. Tyrone said this fit his code. Then, a kid, about six, handed a ball to his father. Dad asked, “How many is that?” The kid replied, “Four.” At this point, Tyrone figuratively swerved across five lanes of traffic. He wanted to go and beat up the father for not stopping his kid from being a hog. So much for the code.

On this occas20170621_195058ion, I was in Atlanta visiting my friend Carlos for a few days. Carlos’ wife Ines and their three kids were in Spain visiting relatives. He has season tickets to the Braves new stadium which is across the highway from his job and not far from his home in Marietta. We went to parts of five different games in five days, although a deluge at the beginning of the first one caused a long rain delay, and we left before the first pitch. He did take me on a nice tour of the stadium where I got a picture with a statue of Hank Aaron.20170624_181759

On Saturday, Carlos took me to the batting cages to hit several balls before lunch and then the 4:30 Braves game against the Milwaukee Brewers. I was wearing a bright yellow Brewers cap with the old-style logo. I did not wear this due to any allegiance to the Brewers, rather to be provocative to the local Braves fans. Carlos upgraded our seats to spectacular ones in the cutout in foul territory along the left field line. This would be a good place to get a ball. Alas, nothing was hit our way other than a double down the line that was still in play.

20170624_165016At the end of the game, the kids all left the area and a few adults stood to harass the half-dozen Brewer relief pitchers who were walking from the visitor bullpen to the dugout for a ball. A guy tossed one to someone in fair territory and I thought the balls were all gone. Still, I sheepishly lifted my cap to (falsely) show the Brewer pitchers that I was one of them. Meanwhile, Carlos was pointing to me when he shouted, “He’s an old man! Give him a ball!” He followed that with “My father is a cancer survivor!”

Yes, he went that low. You may know from my previous writing that I once went to a Jets game in a wheelchair to get in free. I’ve been trying to make up for that horrid act for the past 35 years. Now I’m back to the fast track to hell. The problem was that I still was hoping for a ball. One pitcher looked right at me, stopped for a moment, took a ball out of his glove, and tossed it across the fifty-or-so feet between us. It took a perfect arc, directly into my eager hands. I caught it like Willie Mays doing a basket catch…and I felt like an excited eight-year-old.

Carlos was laughing hysterically. I reminded him that he was going to Hell for this,20170625_133651 even though I felt it unlikely that any of the players actually heard him. He responded by telling me that he carefully calculated what he had said. He said that it was true that I was an old man, certainly when compared to his forty years. He also reminded me that his father had indeed beaten cancer. He felt that if any of the Brewers misconstrued that he was referring to two separate people, well, that was their problem. I reminded him that he would not be able to bring a lawyer when he meets St. Peter, and that the people in Heaven were particularly good at looking directly into one’s heart.

BarnesAs for the player who threw me the ball, his name is Jacob Barnes. I had not heard of this second-year reliever prior to this moment. I will follow his career from now on. He’s from St. Petersburg and went to Florida Gulf Coast University. He’s right-handed and currently leading the league in games pitched. I will be forever indebted to him and hope he has a nice career.

I suppose the best outcome is that I now have a great story. On the way out of the stadium, I was carrying the ball and a guy came up and asked if I got it at the game. I told him the unvarnished story, and he hung on every word. He offered no judgement other than laughter. When you think about it, is that really such a sin?

 

DMV

DMV

Octavia’s Day

stamps2

Octavia walks down the stairs of her Hollywood Hills home followed by a fluffy Bichon Frise. She checks her hair in the mirror in the hallway before turning into the kitchen. She’s smartly dressed in a black pencil skirt, a white silk blouse and an animal print shawl.

“Good morning, Lupe,” she says to an Hispanic woman in an apron who stands in front of the sink and next to the open dishwasher.

“Good morning, Miss Spencer,” says the housekeeper, in a mild Spanish accent. “You look nice. No personal trainer today?”

“Unfortunately, he’s still coming. I moved him to this afternoon.”

“You should at least have some breakfast.”

“No time. I’m running out to see my agent and then to USC. I’m giving a talk at the film school. I also will probably stop at the Post Office.”

“I don’t suppose you’re taking El Diablo with you,” says Lupe while jerking her thumb toward the dog.

“No, and it’s Dorothea. The groomer should be here to pick her up at 10:30 so she’ll be out of your hair for a few hours.”

Octavia takes her keys and handbag off of a hook near the door and heads out. Lupe sticks her tongue out at the dog.

*****

Octavia gets into the elevator at the parking garage level at a downtown office building. She pushes the button for the sixteenth floor. Just before the door closes, a man in a suit runs up and sticks his hand in the door causing it to reopen. He gets in and pushes the button marked 12. Octavia can tell that the man is looking at her, something she has gotten used to.

“Would you mind terribly if I asked to get a picture of us together?” he asks. “It’s just that my daughter did a project on you for her third grade class and she’d be so thrilled.”

“Sure, of course,” says Octavia.

The man holds his phone selfie-style, moves in next to her and snaps the picture. “Thank you so much,” he says as the door opens on twelve. As he leaves the elevator, he adds, “She’ll be so inspired that I met you.”

On the way up to sixteen, Octavia wonders what kind of curriculum would have a third grader do a project on an actress.  She exits the elevator and walks into the office of Solomon Berger, her agent since arriving in Hollywood.

“Good morning, Miss Spencer,” says the receptionist. “My, you look wonderful. Mr. Burger is in his office. You’re usual?”

“Good morning and thank you for noticing, Allison. It almost makes the dieting and exercise worthwhile. Fortunately, I can still have a latte, if I use Splenda instead of sugar, but I’m fasting until my weigh-in this afternoon. Thanks for offering, Allison.”

Octavia heads into the office. Solomon Berger is standing at his desk and is holding his arms open. Grinning, he says, “There’s my superstar. Let’s have a hug!”

Octavia strolls past him and sits in one of the client chairs. She puts her bag on the other. “You know what you need to do in order to get a hug, Buster,” she says.

“Sweetheart, the Rosa Parks film is still just a rumor.”

“And Spielberg? I suppose his interest is just a rumor, too? I’m not losing all this weight for nothing.”

“Octavia, you gotta trust Solly. Who got you Millie in The Help, Fruitvale Station and Hidden Figures?”

“I know, I know, but you also got me Car Dogs, Herpes Boy and Bad Santa 2.”

“Look, sweetheart. I promise you that when Spielberg makes a decision, I’ll know it even before Kate Capshaw. I’ll even spread some bad rumors about Viola Davis. With the new figure, you’ll be a shoo-in. By the way, are you sure you’re eating enough?”

“Just never you mind and get me that part. I’ve got to get to my USC gig.”

She gives him a hug on the way out.

*****

Octavia looks at the printed instructions from her email. She’s been to USC several times, but this route is different. She assumes that this particular film class just happens to be in a different building. Maybe the crowd is big enough to require a large lecture hall. “Check that ego, sister,” she says to herself. It’s just as likely that they’re in a seminar room. She fails to notice that this particular building has “Department of Computer Science” in large letters screwed into the brick façade.

She finds the room and enters. It is indeed a large lecture hall filled to capacity and beyond with several students standing along the walls. Her entrance is met with a standing ovation and thunderous applause. Octavia is both surprised and humbled as she graciously smiles and curtsies.

A young woman steps to the podium and waits for the noise to die down. “It is with great pleasure that I introduce our special guest to the Department of Computer Science students as well as our fellow students from the College of Urban Studies.”

Octavia is surprised to hear that these are not film students.

“Please welcome, Dorothy Vaughan!”

Octavia shoots a look of panic toward her host, who is applauding as vehemently as the students in the crowd. The young woman appears to be crying. Octavia moves to the podium and has another full five minutes of applause to think about what to do next. She realizes that her planned presentation will simply not do. After the students return to a seated position, she begins to speak.

“It is a privilege to address you fine examples of our future. It is as much of a privilege as when I was asked to portray Ms. Vaughan in the film Hidden Figures.”

Again, the crown erupts into applause.

“You know, I was planning to do the Q & A last, but since there are so many of you, I think I’d like to take some questions from the audience.”

Several of the students eagerly begin waving their hands. Octavia picks out the nerdiest-looking female, figuring that she at least looks non-threatening.

“What was it like to work for NASA in the early years of space flight?” asks the young woman.

“Um, good question. While I was able to portray a person from that time, I’m sure that it was quite exciting. Unfortunately, as an actress, I typically have to depend on the writers for most of the emotional motivation.”

The crowd erupts again.

Octavia decides to try a different approach. She chooses a young African-American man wearing a beret and a dashiki. “How about you, sir?”

“As an icon of the struggle against white oppression, can you describe your rise out of Jim Crow Mississippi?”

“Let me get a couple of things straight, young man. I did play a maid in a movie called The Help that was set in Mississippi and I am from the South, but I actually went to Jefferson Davis High School in Montgomery, Alabama. Also it was in the late 1980’s and then I received my degree from Auburn University.”

Again the crowd erupts.

Octavia is incredulous. She decides to give it one more try. This time she figures to go down the middle and picks an apparently mixed-race kid with thick glasses. “I have time for one more question. How about this young man on the aisle?”

The young man stands excitedly. “At NASA, you were a pioneer on the IBM 7090, which of course, operated using 50,000 transistors making it six times faster than its predecessor, the 709. With regard to the use of Assembly languages—“

“You all are going to have to excuse me. I just received an urgent message from Dr. Von Braun and Reverend King to save the world,” says Octavia. She turns, picks up her bag and heads out the way she came with the audience applauding the entire time.

*****

Octavia enters the Post Office on Wilcox. The line is short, but not enough to prevent a few furtive glances and whispers. Soon, a short-haired, middle-aged woman  calls out “Next,” and Octavia moves to the counter.

“How may I help you?” asks the woman.

Octavia makes a quick look at the worker’s nametag, something she learned to do after an awkward incident the first time she was recognized in a restaurant.  “Good morning, Angela. I’d like a book of stamps.”

Angela smiles at the personal gesture and adds, “Would you like to see any of our new commemoratives?” Just as suddenly, Angela’s face goes blank as she steps back and points to a sign above promoting the newest stamps.

Octavia casually looks at the sign depicting a new set of Black Heritage Commemorative Stamps. After a beat, her mouth drops open. “What the Hell…?”

All of the stamps represent a black person from the past, but all of the pictures are of Octavia in some sort of costume.

“Angela, is this some sort of Candid Camera type of joke? The six cents is a nice touch. Wait a minute…nobody even knew when I was coming here.”

“I-I never met anybody that was on a stamp before,” says Angela.

“I assume that’s because I think you’ve got to be dead ten tears to get on a stamp. That Harriet Tubman stamp, I played her on Drunk History, for God’s sake!”

“Maybe you look like the real Harriet Tubman,” says Angela.

By now, a crowd has gathered and several people are taking pictures. Octavia is becoming increasingly agitated.

“And I suppose I’m also a dead ringer for Hattie McDaniel and Dorothy Vaughan? Who made these stamps? I need to see a supervisor…actually I’d like to see the Postmaster General. And look at these other two…Slave woman? What the hell is that? That picture comes from Snowpiercer. It was a damned Sci-fi movie. What does this last one say? Shit Pie Maid? The character’s name was Minny! I’ll bet they got Aibileen right on Viola Davis’ fucking stamp!”

Suddenly, the room starts spinning and goes dark as Octavia hits the floor.

*****

Octavia wakens to see a man with a headset standing over her.  There is another young man kneeling next to her holding a cup. She hears a man’s voice say, “Come on, step back and give her some air.” An older man with a beard pushes through the crowd and kneels by Octavia’s side. He takes the water cup from the key grip and hands it to Octavia.

“Mr. Spielberg?” croaks out Octavia.

“Please, it’s Steven and please drink this. We can’t have our Rosa Parks falling out of her seat on the bus.”

“Rosa Parks? Where am I?”

“We’re on the set. It’s been a long and intense day of shooting. Can we get some of these lights turned off?”

“I-I must have gone too long without eating…Steven.”

Octavia takes a sip of water, and then shakes her head to regain her focus. The older man suddenly looks younger and no longer has a beard.

“Come on, people.” He says, brusquely. “We’ve got a schedule here and only another hour of daylight. If she can make it, get her back on her mark.”

“Steven?”

“Look, Octavia. I sure as hell ain’t Spielberg or I wouldn’t be directing this piece of crap. You’re on the set of Herpes Boy 2 and if you can’t make it, I’m sure we can always get Viola Davis.”

Flash Cards for Ex-Pats

I recently ran into a friend at a local coffee shop. He was leafing through a stack of index cards with short phrases written on them. When I asked what he was studying, he told me that he was trying to learn Spanish, and had created the cards with the hope of learning enough to allow him to survive in a Latin-American country.

It seems that he had recently spent three weeks in Guatemala to test the waters or living there.

“Why Guatemala?” I asked.

He said that he was so fed up with what was happening in this country that he felt it may be time to leave. I told him that any right-wing “America, love it or leave it” talk was really just that. These are the same ugly people who tell other Americans to “go back where they came from.”

He felt strongly enough to do a fair amount of research on the climate, both weather and political, as well as economics and relative friendliness of other countries. While I, myself am not ready to leave the U. S., his quest did give me an idea for a business venture.

With an ever-growing number of people leaving and/or getting run out of America, why not help the expatriates out a bit? I decided that there is a market for flash cards that would help Americans learn a new language in a way to help them assimilate more smoothly into their new land.

Below are some sample cards in a variety of the countries and languages to give you an idea about my new product.

CANADA

En ce qui me concerne, tout pays qui nous a donné William Shatner est d’accord avec moi.

As far as I’m concerned, any country that gave us William Shatner is okay by me.

Alors, où est-ce que je vais pour les soins médicaux gratuits?

So where do I go for the free medical care?

NEPAL

Tapā’īṁ yāka bhandā an’ya kunai pani māsu bōkna garchan?

Do you carry any meats other than yak?

TAIWAN

Wo yi zhi cheng ren ni de zhu quan

I have always recognized your sovereignty

MONTENEGRO

Žao mi je što je moj vođa gurnuo vašeg premijera

I’m sorry that my leader shoved your Prime Minister

NETHERLANDS

Wacht. De drugs zijn niet vrij? Jij noemt dit gesocialiseerde medicijn?

Wait. The drugs aren’t free? You call this socialized medicine?

ISRAEL

האם מישהו כבר יכול לסרב את מיזוג האוויר כבר?

Could someone maybe turn down the air conditioning already?

NORTH KOREA

Deol michin jidojaleul gajneun geos-i johda.

It’s nice to have a less crazy leader

yeogie gaega eobs-seubnikka? waenyahamyeon naneun gaeege aju alleleugigaiss-eo.

There’s no dog in this is there? Because I’m highly allergic to dog.

ITALY

Non guardarmi. Sostegno l’immigrazione e sono contro il muro, proprio come il tuo ragazzo, il papa

Don’t look at me. I support immigration and am against the wall, just like your boy, the Pope

Nessun oliveto? Non mi aspettavo.

No Olive Garden? I didn’t expect that.

RUSSIAN

Мне совершенно нечего сказать.

I have absolutely nothing to say.

INDIA

to kaheen koee haimbargar nahin?

So no hamburgers anywhere?

tumhen pata hai ki aapako apanee nadee mein bahut saare dookee milee hai.

You know you got a lot of dookie in your river.

JAPAN

Anata no shushō no sei wa Abedesu ka? Watashitachi ni wa sore o nanoru shachō ga itakaradesu.

So your Prime Minister’s last name is Abe? Because we had a president who had that as a first name.

Gojira ga arawareta toki ni keihō nado ga demasu ka?

Do we get an alarm or something when Godzilla shows up?

GREECE

Αστεία ιστορία. Πριν από πέντε χρόνια γελούσα σε σας.

Funny story. Five years ago I was laughing at you people.

SAUDI ARABIA

‘ana ln ‘akadhib. ‘innah harr kama aljahim huna. alhararat aljaffat mukharaty.

I’m not going to lie. It is hot as hell out here. Dry heat my ass.

GERMANY

Ich würde mich freuen, die Hand deines Kanzlers zu schütteln.

I would be happy to shake the hand of your Chancellor.

MEXICO

Tren de las dos maneras móviles ahora, perra

Train’s moving both ways now, bitch.

CHINA

Suǒyǐ zài zhèlǐ, tāmen zhǐshì jiàozuò cāntīng, ér bùshì zhōngguó cānguǎn?

So here, they’re just called restaurants, not Chinese restaurants?

Wǒ méiyǒu tóupiào gěi húndàn

I didn’t vote for the asshole.

FRANCE

Je ne peux que parler pour moi et j’adore Paris.

I can only speak for myself and I love Paris.

AUSTRALIA

Crikey! I don’t think your military is scared, mate.

I don’t think that your military is scared.

HAITI

Seryezman, li vrèman vinn sa ki move.

Seriously, it’s really gotten that bad.

This will help you to decide whether you want to get in on the ground floor of this rapidly growing market. I’ll provided my Kickstarter information at a later date.

 

Copyright