You Gotta Fight For Your Right to Potty

CAST:

Captain Marvel – Female, 20-35

Nick Fury – Male, 30-60

SETTING:

            High-tech looking office.

Nick Fury is sitting at a desk. There is a bleep.

Nick Fury:

Come in.

The door whooshes open and Captain Marvel walks in and stands at attention in front of the desk.

Nick Fury:

Relax, Captain Marvel. I wanted to talk to you about today’s battle with the Zarkan Overlords.

Captain Marvel:

Which one of those male jerks complained about me?

Nick Fury:

Look, we’re not here to point fingers.

Captain Marvel:

It was probably that goody-two-shoes Captain America. You know that somehow, that pretty boy thinks he outranks me because he was a captain first?

Nick Fury:

This is about the battle. You were late, were you not?

Captain Marvel:

Yes, I might have been a bit late, but so what? It was over by the time I got there.

Nick Fury:

Not the point. What if it had been a tougher opponent? And Hawkeye did get injured.

Captain Marvel:

Hawkeye always gets injured. Why is he even on the team? He shoots arrows. Big deal. That was big like sixty-thousand years ago.

Nick Fury:

At least he showed up.

Captain Marvel:

I had to pee, all right?

Nick Fury:

How long does it take to relieve oneself?

Captain Marvel:

Are you kidding me? Look at this outfit. First, I have to take off these gloves that go all the way up my forearms. Next, I need to unhook this belt. Then I have to unzip this skin-tight, rubberized monstrosity from my neck to mid-thigh. That’s assuming I can even find the zipper.

Nick Fury:

Still, I don’t see—

Captain Marvel:

Oh, I’m barely getting started. Then I have to peel the thing down to my knees and still have room to slide down my underwear, all while keeping the suit from touching the nasty floor.

Nick Fury:

Hey, we have a cleaning crew.

Captain Marvel:

Yes, and then a crowd of guys filing in all day who have laser sight or x-ray vision, but still can’t seem to hit the middle of a toilet from less than two feet away. How about a separate ladies’ room? What is this? North Carolina?

Nick Fury:

You’ve got practically the same suit as Captain America.

Captain Marvel:

True, except for the little emergency flap down below or the physical equipment to use it. I know that the last Captain Marvel was a dude, but can we update the outfit?

Nick Fury:

We offered you one like Wonder Woman.

Captain Marvel:

Sure, if I want to Captain Slut-Girl. I’ll admit she can do the underwear pull-over with that short skirt, but is it necessary that my breasts be barely contained?

Nick Fury:

Look, at the risk of opening up an H. R. issue here, is it possible for you to do your bathroom business before getting dressed for work?

Captain Marvel:

If you must know, I was feeling a bit bloated, so I took a water pill this morning. If I wore shredded pants like the Hulk, this wouldn’t be a problem, but that’s not an option.

Nick Fury:

The Hulk spends a lot less time in Hair and Make-up, too.

Captain Marvel:

Hey, would you rather deal with my agent, or maybe the Union? If you can make an honest effort to upgrade the locker room facilities and maybe give me a little input into costume improvements, maybe I’ll be able to get to the battles on time.

Nick Fury:

I guess we can work on that. We certainly want our heroes to be happy here.

Captain Marvel:

I’m glad you feel that way. Since I’m here, I’d also like to discuss adding some hot yoga classes, a healthy snack area and possibly some flowers around the headquarters.

            While she rambles on, Nick Fury buries his head into his hands.

Ooh, how about a day-care center.

Curtain

Redshirt

CAST:

Lt. Oberon – Any age or gender

Mickey Goldberg – Male, 20’s

SETTING:

            High-tech looking office.

Lt. Oberon is sitting at a desk. There is a bleep.

Lt. Oberon:

Come in.

The door whooshes open and Mickey enthusiastically walks in and stands at attention in front of the desk.

Lt. Oberon:

(Smiling) Relax, young man. You are not a cadet, yet. Please have a seat. Welcome to Star Fleet Recruitment Center.

Mickey sits.

Mickey:

Sir, yes sir! Mickey Goldberg reporting for, um…recruitment, sir!

Lt. Oberon:

(Looks at a paper) Yes, I have your application here. Everything looks to be in order…wait…Hmm, it appears that you left the section blank where you can request a career path. I’m sure it was just an oversight. Did you have a particular branch of the service in mind, Mickey?

Mickey:

No sir! I just want to serve the Federation in whatever capacity they can use me, sir. I come from a long line of Star Fleet Personnel. Service in the fleet is very big in my family. There have been over two dozen Goldbergs who have preceded me.

Lt. Oberon:

Wow. That is quite impressive. My grandmother and an aunt and uncle were officers before me, but two dozen? That is remarkable patriotism.

Mickey:

Actually, none of the Goldbergs were officers.

Lt. Oberon:

None, out of dozens? Where do some of your current relations serve, if you don’t mind me asking?

Mickey:

Oh, none are currently serving.

Lt. Oberon:

I see. Well, in any case, there must be some path you were hoping to take in Star Fleet. We have a wide range including Operations, Sciences, Security, Technology, and of course, Command.

Mickey:

Nope! No preference.

Lt. Oberon:

Mickey, you seem awfully enthusiastic to join, but I’ve never had a recruit with no requests.

Mickey:

Oh, I have a request, Sir. There was just no space for it on the application.

Lt. Oberon:

No space? Well, what is it that you’d like to request?

Mickey:

I’d like something that would allow me to wear a red shirt, sir!

Lt. Oberon:

(Surprised) You mean a red uniform shirt? That’s highly unusual. Um, Mickey, you are aware that Federation personnel who wear red uniform shirts have um…how can I put this?…um, an extremely high death rate.

Mickey:

Yes, I know. That’s why no Goldberg has ever made it to an officer-level position and, I suppose why none are currently serving.

Lt. Oberon:

None? You mean to say that you have some two dozen relatives killed in the line of duty?

Mickey:

Yes, Sir! My dad and a couple of uncles were blasted by Klingons, Aunt Sheila and cousin David, by Romulans, and two of my brothers by some sort of Nazis in a time loop. Grandpa Benjamin was in a shuttle that disappeared into a nebula and great-uncle Shecky was absorbed by some gaseous entity that is still unidentified.

Lt. Oberon:

This is incredible!

Mickey:

That’s nothing. I had a second cousin on the Constitution when that blew up and my sister went out of an airlock, thanks to Khan Noonian Singh. Let’s see…Uncle Louie stepped on an explosive rock and Great-aunt Minnie had all of the salt sucked out of her body. The list goes on.

Lt. Oberon:

Mickey, I don’t understand. You, more than anyone knows the risks. Why is it so important for you to wear a red shirt? You have a level of patriotism that is beyond anything I’ve ever seen.

Mickey:

Duh! You’re in Star Fleet. Surely you have seen the death benefit package. It’s the best. I want to be able to provide for my wife and kids as well as my late parents did for me.

Lt. Oberon:

Mickey, there are safer ways to earn a living.

Mickey:

You mean like schlepping into an office for eight hours, five days a week for fifty years? No thanks. Hey, can you put me on the Enterprise?

Lt. Oberon:

Why the Enterprise?

Mickey:

Are you kidding? I hear that Captain Kirk goes through redshirts by the shuttle load. That’s the kind of service that I want.

Curtain

Writing Resume

Robert O’Connell

231 Churchview St. Cary, NC 27513   •    Email: oconman1@gmail.com   

Web: http://www.flashmobthenovel.com    •   Blog: http://www.thesmartestguyiknow.wordpress.com

Books

• The Death of Comedy; Green Chicken Press 2016
• Campus Mob; Green Chicken Press 2016
• The Day I Dressed Better Than My Wife; Green Chicken Press 2015
• Cruise Mob; Green Chicken Press 2014
• Flash Mob; Green Chicken Press 2013

Publications

• The Triangle Review – Regular contributor of theater reviews around the Raleigh-Durham Triangle Area – 2019-present
• The Educator – Essay, Voices of Parkland; Parkland Writer’s Café, 2016
• Chances of a Lifetime – Short Story, The Portal;  – Broward South Regional Library, May/June 2016
• Pumpkin Time – Essay, The Writer’s Café – Volume XIII; 2014
• Old Friends and Old Age – Essay, The Writer’s Café – Volume XIII; 2014

Writing Awards

• Game Day: 1^st place, Audience Choice Award, Snowdance 10 Minute Comedy Festival, Racine, WI, February 2017
• Death List: 3^rd place for playwriting in the Helen Jean Play Contest, Spring 2016
• Nine Angry Men: 3^rd place for playwriting in the Helen Jean Play Contest, Summer 2016
• Cloud in my Coffee: 2^nd place for The Playgroup LLC Full-length Play Contest, 2016
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell: 1^st place for playwriting in the Helen Jean Play Contest, Autumn 2016
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell; Audience Choice Award, Short + Sweet Theatre Festival, Manila, Philippines, October 2016

Stage Productions

• APR: Acronym Plays, Urban Stages, NY, NY, Mar 2022
• Cloud in My Coffee: Sky Pilot Theatre, Los Angeles, CA, May 2020
• Playtime: Pegasus Theatre NJ, Princeton Junction, NJ, Mar 2020
• Redshirt: Paragon, Otherworld Theatre, Chicago, IL, Nov 2019
• The Visit: Radio Theatre Project, St. Petersburg, FL, Nov 2019
• You Gotta Fight for your Right to Potty: Radio Theatre Project, St. Petersburg, FL, May 2019
• Character Assassination: Radio Theatre Project, St. Petersburg, FL, Mar 2019

• The Pet Peeve Store; Lite 2019, Cary, NC, Mar 2019
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell: Panglossian Productions, Williamsburg, VA, Feb 2019
• Character Assassination: TEN:10 Dubai, The Junction, Al Quoz, Dubai, United Arab Emirates, Sept 2018
• Character Assassination, Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell, Death and a Salesman: Cary Playwright’s Forum, Radio Hour, Cary, NC Aug, 2018
• The Visit: The Mother Lode, Ft. Lauderdale, FL, Mar 2018
• Character Assassination; The 4^th Street Theater, Chesterton, IN, Mar. 2018
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell; The Bench Plays, Odenbear Theatre, Taos, NM, Feb 2018
• Slur Wars: In the Moment One Act Series, Creative Circuit Studios, San Antonio, TX, Jan 2018
• Character Assassination: The Storefront Theatre, Waxhaw, NC, Mar 2018
• Character Assassination: Short+Sweet 2018 Dubai, Jan 2018
• Character Assassination: Triangle Reading Service, Raleigh, NC, Nov 2017
• Playtime: The Players Follies, The Players Centre, Sarasota, FL, Nov 2017
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell: North Park Playwright Festival, San Diego, CA, Oct 2017
• Playtime: Our Funny Shorts, Unscrewed Theatre, Tucson, AZ, Aug 2017
• Character Assassination: Minnesota Shorts, Lincoln Community Theatre, Mankato, MN, January 2017
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell: North Carolina Playgroup, Aug, 2017
• Playtime; Academy Theatre, Hapeville, GA, Jul 2017
• Character Assassination: Edge Fest 2017, Birdhouse Theatre, Milledgeville, GA,  May 2017
• Character Assassination: Tree City Playhouse, Lourdes University, Sylvania. OH, May 2017
• Character Assassination: Short Cuts 7, The Playgroup LLC., The Willow Theatre, Boca Raton, April 2017
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell: Lake Sumter State CollegeShort Play Festival, Leesburg, FL, April 2017
• Character Assassination: Diez Minutos, San Miguel, Mexico, March 2017
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell; TINAG – A Showcase of 3 Award Winning Plays, Yugto Theater Ensemble., Manila, Philippines, February 2017
• Game Day: Snowdance 10 Minute Comedy Festival, Racine, WI, February 2017
• The Juggler: Nugget Fringe, Grass Valley, California, January 2017
• Character Assassination: Playwrights Round Table Launch 2017, Orlando, FL January, 2017
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell; Short + Sweet Theatre Festival, Power Mac Center Spotlight at Circuit Makati., Manila, Philippines, October 2016
• Character Assassination; North Park Playwright Festival, North Park Vaudeville and Candy Shoppe, San Diego, Sept. 2016
• The Visit; Thirteen is Murder, Andrews living Arts Theatre, Ft. Lauderdale, June 2016
• Bob Gets Cast Out of Hell; Short Cuts 6, The Playgroup LLC., The Willow Theatre, Boca Raton, May 2016

Presentations

Acting

• Heave Ho; Lite 2019, Cary, NC, Mar 2019

Directing

• The Pet Peeve Store; Lite 2019, Cary, NC, Mar 2019