She Had to Get Her Popeyes

Popeyes

CAST:

Theresa – White, any age

Bob – White, any age

SETTING:

Theresa is driving and Bob is a passenger on a multi-lane Florida road.

Bob:

Watch out for the lady in the median.

Theresa:

I see her. You know she’s gonna cross in front of me.

Bob:

Why do you hate jaywalkers so much?

Theresa:

Besides the fact that it is against the law, this road is three lanes in both directions and the speed limit is fifty.

Bob:

We sure as hell aren’t going fifty now. I hate the stop and go traffic. Aren’t these lights supposed to be timed to improve traffic flow?

Theresa:

Even more to my point about the danger. When people are going the speed limit there are openings to cross. See? There she goes, winding between the cars. She had to get her Popeye’s.

Bob:

That sounded kind of racist.

Theresa:

What are you talking about? She was literally coming from Popeye’s. She had the bag in her hand.

Bob:

Still, it sounded odd to me.  If she was coming from say, The Olive Garden, I don’t think you would have mentioned the restaurant.

Theresa:

What? You are insane. Are you saying that only black people eat fried chicken? I’m not even sure she was black. I just hate the jaywalking. It was really meant as a “this would make an appropriate tombstone” joke.

Bob:

It’s not just fried chicken. If this was a white woman, possibly carrying a bible, with a bag from Chick-fil-A, I don’t think you would have mentioned the restaurant.

Theresa:

A bible? Who is doing the stereotyping here? Did I say it with any urban inflection? Did I say “She gotta get her Popeye’s?”

Bob:

First of all, the correct translation would be, “Sistah-girl, gots to get her some Popeye’s.” I’m just saying that it caused my political correctness sensitivity radar to go up.

Theresa:

I hate it when you do this. I’m the least racist person you know.

Bob:

Okay, here we go. That’s what our President says. It’s code for, “I may be racist, but I’m not likely to be the worst”. Next you’ll be telling me about all of the well-spoken black friends you have.

Theresa:

What? They’re your friends, too!

Bob:

Not the same thing. They are my “people”, they are your friends.

Theresa:

What the hell does that mean? If you flip down that sun visor, you can look in the mirror and see that like me, you are also white.

Bob:

Street cred, baby. I can’t help it if I’m down. Besides, we’re all the same color on the inside.

Theresa:

So it’s just our outsides that have all of the privilege?

Bob:

Remember last week, when we were going to the dump with all of the yard waste?

Theresa:

Yeah, so?

Bob:

Remember when I said, “I got the funk?”

Theresa:

No, I do not.

Bob:

You asked me what I had to be sad about.

Theresa:

Not ringing a bell.

Bob:

And I said, “I’m not in a funk…I got the funk.”

Theresa:

“Oh, right, and then you went on to explain the deep nuances and urban etymology of the word ‘funk’.

Bob:

Exactly. I told you about this white dude I used to work with who claimed to be a big fan of funk music. I started talking to him about The Ohio Players and George Clinton, and it turned out that he was talking about blues-rock and Grand Funk Railroad.

Theresa:

Again with this? Enough, already. We’re almost at the beach. I don’t want to be arguing about this all day. Do you want to pick up some lunch to eat there?

Bob:

You pick.

Theresa:

No thanks. You never like what I pick.

Bob:

But it’s your turn. There must be something you want.

Theresa:

I do have a hankering, but I shouldn’t.

Bob:

Just tell me.

Theresa:

You’re moronic ramblings got it stuck in my head. Can you check on your phone to see if there’s a Popeye’s nearby?

Bob:

That’s what I’m talkin’ about, Sistah-girl!

Theresa:

Please, just shut the hell up.

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2 thoughts on “She Had to Get Her Popeyes

  1. you both need a break, hope the chicken was good and the beach beautiful. Hope all went well in NC and everything Is good now that HB2 Is passed there should be plenty of FUNK.

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