Antics

I was out for a walk with my wife the other day and had a brief encounter with a woman out in front of her house watering some plants. My wife always likes to greet the people we pass along our stroll and say “hello” or give them a wave. My thing is to make people laugh. I was able to accomplish this without even breaking stride by using one of my more hackneyed, but still cherished bits. After my wife said her “Good morning” and received one in return, I simply pointed to the woman’s plants and said, “You missed a spot.” The woman realized immediately that I was joking and had a very nice belly laugh. As we continued on our way, I thought about how rare it is that we laugh out loud.

A recently posted an essay on my blog mentioned my wife’s aversion to antics. Antics are described as foolish, outrageous or amusing behavior. Obviously, I am primarily shooting for the amusing part, although sometimes, the amusement stems from the foolishness or the outrageousness, or both.

My kids never minded the foolishness. After all, they were kids and as such, had a relatively less sophisticated sense of humor. They did, however, embarrass easily, as kids do, and were less inclined to enjoy those bits. My oldest, Lilly, would kind of screw up her lips and shake her head from side to side to indicate a failure to get a laugh. No, she seems pretty unfazed by the opinions of others and has no problem engaging in her own antics. My middle child, Abby, was a champion eye-roller at the foolish antics, but would whine out a lengthy “Daaaaaaaaaaaad” at the outrageous stuff. My son James, was like a combination of MASH’s Charles Winchester and Dick Van Dyke’s Mel Cooley. Usually, he would just fold his arms and say in the most disapproving tone, “Must you?”

Below are some examples of mild antics that I have used in the past. Most have received a decent laugh and after all, who doesn’t need a laugh?

The “spot bit” is a big one for me. Any time I see anything with spots, I have to do it. This includes any leopard-print clothing, including shoes, stuffed Dalmatians, polka dots, well…anything. I simply go up to the person and say, “That’s got a spot on it.” If they look for the spot before realizing that I’m just being an ass, I win. The best is when purchasing something at a store, flea market or yard sale. I once picked up a pair of ceramic Dalmatians at a flea market. The woman said that they were five dollars each. I immediately said, “This one has a spot on it.” She actually lowered the price before realizing that she had been duped. The truly sick part is that I never had any interest in the figurines and knew as soon as I saw them, that the “Spot” bit was on. She did laugh, by the way.

The five of us were on a road trip around Lake Ontario. While leaving a restaurant where we had a late lunch, I noticed two waitresses in uniform, sitting at a booth having their own lunch. I quickly grabbed a napkin and draped it over my forearm. As I passed their table, I stopped, turned, and asked if I could get them anything else. The waitresses laughed…my family did not.

My kids took Spanish class in elementary school with a wonderful teacher named Senora Hall. They used some sort of immersion technique and spoke exclusively Spanish in the classroom. Each year, I would go to the class to help the kids make papier mache piñatas for an annual fundraiser. When Senora Hall would be giving us the instructions in Spanish, I would always turn to a kid at my table and whisper “What’s she saying?”  The kid would always try and answer and then would immediately get admonished by Senora Hall for speaking English or talking when she was. By the third time I did it, the kid would be in a panic, but Senora Hall would be laughing.

I was waiting to check out of a thrift store with Theresa and James when I noticed a small replica of the Liberty Bell on the counter between the two cashiers. Before I could even pick it up, James was already saying “must you?” Now, I must. I picked it up and gave it little shake, then immediately said with faux alarm, “Oh, shit! I cracked it!” One of the two cashiers immediately burst out laughing while the other looked at her like she was having a seizure. “The laughing one asked the other, “Don’t you get it? It’s the Liberty Bell. It’s already cracked!” James and the other cashier continued to be unamused.

When I go into a coffee shop or deli and they ask my name for the order, my go to response is Nebuchadnezzar. It always gets a moment of stunned silence before they get it and smile. If they really seem clueless, I just tell them they can call me Nebby.

I’m a pretty big guy, so when I walk into a clothing store, it is not unusual for someone to direct my to the XL section. I always immediately follow this with “What are you trying to say?” I let them stammer for a half a beat before letting them know that I was only playing. That usually gets a laugh. It also works when asking for a refill of a diet soda when they ask “diet?” to verify your order.

Reading all of the nearby nametags always helps. If a cashier in the supermarket cannot answer a question or makes a mistake, I can jerk my thumb toward the bagger and say, “Myron here told me that you wouldn’t be any help.” Two birds with one bit!

My wife was trying on dresses in a slightly fancier store. I noticed that one of the young workers asked my wife’s name and wrote it in erasable marker on a small whiteboard over the dressing room door. The moment that the girl left, I immediately grabbed the marker and wiped off “Theresa” and replaced it with “Busty LaRue.” My kids freaked out, of course.

Every time I go to the movies, I buy a ticket and immediately walk up to a miserable employee who tears it in half. A faux angry, “Dude! I just bought that!” usually gets them out of their stupor for a few seconds.

For some reason, every Publix Supermarket down here has a large scale near the entrance. If I’m walking by as someone gets on, I always sneak up and put my foot on it adding an extra thirty pounds or so. The reaction, followed by the relief of not the sudden weight gain is always worth a smile.

This one takes some concentration. It is not uncommon to be following a patron in a checkout line who has a problem and is torturing the employee over it. I quietly an unobtrusively observe, making sure to learn as many details as I can. When the hassle is ended, the relieved cashier generally apologizes for the delay. I always nod, smile, and then proceed to ask for exactly what the last customer was whining about. They look horrified, I say, “psych!”, and we both get a laugh.

One time, back in New Jersey, when my kids were little, I took the three of them to a Friendly’s for lunch or ice cream. The sign out front mentioned an “award winning menu”. When the host came to seat us, I said, “I notice that you have an award winning menu. Can you tell me what awards you have received?” I would have been happy to let it go at that, but the guy didn’t get the bit. He pointed to the words “award winning” on the menu, and nodded. Lilly put her hand on her forehead as if to say, “on no, here it comes.” “But do you have any certificates or documentation proving the specific awards?” I asked.  He still didn’t get it. I finally gave up. I couldn’t get him to laugh, but I was certainly pleased with myself.

I’d like to close with my favorite bit. It’s not the funniest, nor is it the most annoying. I think my undying attachment to it is that it reminds me of my grandmother. She had the kind of sweet and corny sense of humor that would cause her to respond every time I told her I was thirsty with, “How can you be thirsty? It’s only Tuesday.” I didn’t love it or hate it, but what impressed me was her commitment to it. It got to the point that in the rare occasion that she didn’t do it, I was a bit disappointed. I actually would ask her if everything was all right.

My version of the thirsty/Thursday bit is the “What?” bit. It’s pretty simple. During any conversation, if someone mentions anything, and I mean anything, relating in any way to sound, acoustics, hearing, microphones, volume, etc., I immediately ask, “What? That’s it. The payoff is when the other person begins to repeat themselves before realizing that they have been had.

What’s great about it is that my wife and kids are so tuned into the bit, that it is extremely difficult to catch them. This only serves to raise the stakes. We’ve actually called each other to brag about successfully pulling it off. Even better is the fact that my kids frequently do it themselves. My oldest called me recently to thank me for turning her into a sociopath. She used the “What?” bit in a social situation on someone from another country. That person missed the point, and when my daughter tried to explain it, the others at the table were also confused and possibly horrified.

I hope my grandmother is up there laughing.

Copyright

© Robert O’Connell and http://www.thesmartestguyiknow.wordpress.com, 2011-2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Robert O’Connell and http://www.thesmartestguyiknow.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Guest Blog – Super Bowl Edition

I was looking at the Win Probability Chart for last night’s Super Bowl and the improbable Patriot’s victory. I had no real horse in this race, although I am consistently impressed by the consistency and excellence of the Patriot organization. I do, however, have several friends who are Patriot haters. Some are Jets, Giants, or Dolphins fans, and some are just general haters of the favorite. Many feel that they are an organization of cheaters, and many just plain cannot stand the sight of Tom Brady.

In any case, while trying to gain an understanding of the above graph, I decided that after an late night of watching the post-game celebration, I was just too damn tired. Instead, I decided to turn the task over to several of my Patriot hating friends who texted, tweeted, and Facebook messaged their thoughts of the game. To provide a real-time feel, I interspersed the comments with a chronology from the game. As you can see, the emotional roller coaster shows a very similar pattern to the Probability Chart.

In any case, thanks to my friends for unknowingly contributing to my day off of writing!

• 1st and 10 at ATL 40

(6:36 – 1st) T.Brady sacked at ATL 48 for -8 yards (C.Upshaw).

Hit that sumbitch Tom Brady!

• 3rd and 18 at ATL 48

(5:48 – 1st) (Shotgun) T.Brady sacked at ATL 49 for -1 yards (G.Jarrett).

EAT IT TOM BRADY!

• 4th and 19 at ATL 49

(5:14 – 1st) R.Allen punts 37 yards to ATL 12, Center-J.Cardona, fair catch by E.Weems.

It’s bad enough I have to see Tom Brady’’s face throughout the game. Don’t make me see him in commercials too.

• 1st and 10 at NE 29

(13:11 – 2nd) D.Freeman right tackle to NE 14 for 15 yards (D.McCourty).

GET IT DEVONTA!!!! GO Falcons!!! #SuperBowl #DevontaFreeman

• 3rd and 9 at NE 19

(8:48 – 2nd) TOUCHDOWN Austin Hooper 19 Yd pass from Matt Ryan (Matt Bryant Kick)

14-0 Falcons ! GET IT ATLANTA!!! #SuperBowl

• 3rd and 6 at ATL 23

(2:21 – 2nd) TOUCHDOWN Robert Alford 82 Yrd Interception Return M.Bryant extra point is GOOD, Center-J.Harris, Holder-M.Bosher.

THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ BOUT!!!!! Did TomBrady really think he was gonna stop RobertAlford ?

• Kickoff

(2:21 – 2nd) M.Bosher kicks 65 yards from ATL 35 to end zone, Touchback.

I’d say his balls look deflated…

• 3rd and 18 at ATL 23

(0:02 – 2nd) Stephen Gostkowski 41 Yd Field Goal

Beautiful! Holding to a FG is what Pats do to other teams. Almost perfect half by Falcons!

• Halftime

Gaga SLAYED

• 4th and 12 at NE 45

(12:52 – 3rd) R.Allen punts 40 yards to ATL 15, Center-J.Cardona, fair catch by E.Weems. (The Punt Hangtime was 4.19 seconds.)

I’m not a fan of blowouts in the Super Bowl , but if it’s the Patriots getting blown out, I’m all for it! Tremendous start for Falcons.

• 1st and Goal at NE 6

(8:31 – 3rd) TOUCHDOWN Tevin Coleman 6 Yd pass from Matt Ryan (Matt Bryant Kick)

28-3 Falcons !!!! DON’T LET UP ATLANTA! SuperBowl

Warm the fat lady up!

Hope Atlanta runs up the score and embarrasses Belicheat.

Think the Pats are done yet?

Ding Dong, the witch is dead!

• 2nd and Goal at ATL 5

(2:06 – 3rd) TOUCHDOWN James White 5 Yd pass from Tom Brady (Stephen Gostkowski PAT failed)

Okay Falcons , take a deep breath. #SuperBowl

• 4th and Goal at ATL 15

(9:44 – 4th) Stephen Gostkowski 33 Yd Field Goal

Held to a FG again! Yes!

I can’t believe he did not go for the six. Pats are DONE!

• 3rd and 1 at ATL 36

(8:31 – 4th) (Shotgun) M.Ryan sacked at ATL 25 for -11 yards (D.Hightower). FUMBLES (D.Hightower) [D.Hightower], RECOVERED by NE-A.Branch at ATL 25. A.Branch to ATL 25 for no gain (C.Chester).

Run the ball. Eat the clock.

• 2nd and 2 at ATL 6

(5:56 – 4th) Danny Amendola Pass From Tom Brady for 6 Yrds (Direct Snap) TWO-POINT CONVERSION ATTEMPT. J.White rushes up the middle. ATTEMPT SUCCEEDS.

Well, if you wanted a game, you got one.

Dammit. #SuperBowl

• 2nd and 8 at NE 49

(4:47 – 4th) (Shotgun) M.Ryan pass deep right to J.Jones to NE 22 for 27 yards.

PHENOMENAL CATCH BY Julio Jones ! Wow! Come on Falcons ! #SuperBowl

• 3rd and 23 at NE 35

(3:50 – 4th) (Shotgun) M.Ryan pass short left to M.Sanu pushed ob at NE 26 for 9 yards (L.Ryan). PENALTY on ATL-J.Matthews, Offensive Holding, 10 yards, enforced at NE 35 – No Play.

You suck Atlanta…

• 1st and 10 at NE 36

(2:28 – 4th) (Shotgun) T.Brady pass deep middle to J.Edelman to ATL 41 for 23 yards (K.Neal). Atlanta challenged the pass completion ruling, and the play was Upheld. The ruling on the field was confirmed. (Timeout #3.)

Some catch!

• 2nd and Goal at ATL 1

(0:57 – 4th) James White 1 Yard Rush TWO-POINT CONVERSION ATTEMPT. T.Brady pass to D.Amendola is complete. ATTEMPT SUCCEEDS.

There is no question in my mind how this game ends now.

• Overtime Kickoff

(0:11 – 4th) M.Bosher punts 38 yards to NE 35, Center-J.Harris, fair catch by J.Edelman.

They’re still letting Matthew Slater stay involved in the coin toss?

• 1st and 10 at ATL 15

(11:18 – OT) (Shotgun) T.Brady pass incomplete short right to M.Bennett (D.Campbell). PENALTY on ATL-D.Campbell, Defensive Pass Interference, 13 yards, enforced at ATL 15 – No Play.

Complete meltdown for the Falcons . Wow. #SuperBowl

• 2nd and Goal at ATL 2

(11:02 – OT) James White 2 Yd Run

Atlanta Falcons  – biggest chokers in Super Bowl history!

Falcons ended up looking like exactly what they were, a team that’s never won the big game. #SuperBowl

Copyright

© Robert O’Connell and http://www.thesmartestguyiknow.wordpress.com, 2011-2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Robert O’Connell and http://www.thesmartestguyiknow.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Antisocial Media

I received a text from a friend today. I’ll call him Melvin to protect his identity. I’m not terribly concerned that he would either punch or sue me, and quite frankly, if you read my blog regularly, you’ll easily figure out who it is. I’m just trying to manage my social media with a little more decorum these days.

I’m not going to bore you with a treatise on the pitfalls of social media. We all see it every day from accidentally doing a “Reply All” to a snarky email to people ending their careers with grossly inappropriate tweets and Facebook messages.  Still, a review of some of my own personal faux pas might give you some context.

There was the time I texted a friend about his PSA test results from a recent doctor visit regarding his prostate. The error came when I inadvertently sent the text to a female neighbor who clearly had no prostate. Hilarity ensued. I also have a habit of commenting on my kids Facebook posts with the sole goal of getting “likes” from their friends. This typically drives my kids crazy, sometimes to the point of their own posts begging their friends to stop encouraging me.

Autocorrect is a big source of social media gaffes. I recently had an acquaintance try to praise an entire thread of comments by saying “Infinite likes to all of you!” The problem was that their use of “Infinite” was autocorrected to “Infinitesimal”, which indicates a quite opposite sentiment. When I pointed out the error, she said she was using voice input and recently had the embarrassment of having “honored” corrected to “hammered”.

My first of two issues today was of the autocorrect variety. My friend, Melvin, sent me the following text…

“Dude, I’m at the eye doctor and the woman across from me has the most impressive breasts.”

Now, in Melvin’s defense, he acknowledges that at time we can both be pigs. We are also getting up there in age, so it’s sometimes comforting to know that we still have a dribble of testosterone coursing through us. Also, Melvin would never invade anyone’s privacy by ogling or even worse, taking a photo. He was just killing time enjoying the view.

The part of his message that I found interesting was that he was at the eye doctor. I decided that I would join him in the gutter and texted him back the following…

“They should put tits on the eye chart. No man would ever need glasses.”

I’ll admit that it wasn’t my best work, but it would be sure to get a chuckle from Melvin, and probably by a significant portion of the male population. Unfortunately, the response from Melvin was one of confusion.

“Tots? What are you talking about?”

Apparently the dictionary for my phone’s texting capability did not contain the particular euphemism that I had chosen for my comment. It had replaced it with “Tots”. Besides ruining the spontaneity of my bit, my message went from being funny to many men, to being applicable to a much smaller group…pedophiles.

“They should put tots on the eye chart. No man would ever need glasses.”

Had I sent this out on Twitter, I’d be looking at 20 years.

My pledge to be more careful lasted about two hours. I was on Facebook, and saw that one of my daughters started a Kickstarter campaign to fund a small business idea. This idea would appeal primarily to liberals, idealists, and hipsters, and as expected, many of her friends sent their support through “likes” and comments.

I decided to have a bit of fun and added the comment…

“You want me to fund you? I paid for your fucking braces!”

Again, not a top ten bit, but the message and gratuitous language was calculated to get the most laughs from the young crowd. The problem was that not a minute after I posted this, I received a response from my daughter’s mother-in-law. This woman is the most genteel of southern belles and one of the last people in whose presence I would use profanity.

I will continue to write plays, novels, blogposts, and many other things. I also expect that I will make the occasional error. I just hope that people continue to have a sense of humor.

Copyright

© Robert O’Connell and http://www.thesmartestguyiknow.wordpress.com, 2011-2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Robert O’Connell and http://www.thesmartestguyiknow.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.