Antics

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Guest Blog – Super Bowl Edition

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I was looking at the Win Probability Chart for last night’s Super Bowl and the improbable Patriot’s victory. I had no real horse in this race, although I am consistently impressed by the consistency and excellence of the Patriot organization. I do, however, have several friends who are Patriot haters. Some are Jets, Giants, or Dolphins fans, and some are just general haters of the favorite. Many feel that they are an organization of cheaters, and many just plain cannot stand the sight of Tom Brady.

In any case, while trying to gain an understanding of the above graph, I decided that after an late night of watching the post-game celebration, I was just too damn tired. Instead, I decided to turn the task over to several of my Patriot hating friends who texted, tweeted, and Facebook messaged their thoughts of the game. To provide a real-time feel, I interspersed the comments with a chronology from the game. As you can see, the emotional roller coaster shows a very similar pattern to the Probability Chart.

In any case, thanks to my friends for unknowingly contributing to my day off of writing!

  • 1st and 10 at ATL 40

(6:36 – 1st) T.Brady sacked at ATL 48 for -8 yards (C.Upshaw).

Hit that sumbitch Tom Brady!

  • 3rd and 18 at ATL 48

(5:48 – 1st) (Shotgun) T.Brady sacked at ATL 49 for -1 yards (G.Jarrett).

EAT IT TOM BRADY!

  • 4th and 19 at ATL 49

(5:14 – 1st) R.Allen punts 37 yards to ATL 12, Center-J.Cardona, fair catch by E.Weems.

It’s bad enough I have to see Tom Brady’’s face throughout the game. Don’t make me see him in commercials too.

  • 1st and 10 at NE 29

(13:11 – 2nd) D.Freeman right tackle to NE 14 for 15 yards (D.McCourty).

GET IT DEVONTA!!!! GO Falcons!!! #SuperBowl #DevontaFreeman

  • 3rd and 9 at NE 19

(8:48 – 2nd) TOUCHDOWN Austin Hooper 19 Yd pass from Matt Ryan (Matt Bryant Kick)

14-0 Falcons ! GET IT ATLANTA!!! #SuperBowl

  • 3rd and 6 at ATL 23

(2:21 – 2nd) TOUCHDOWN Robert Alford 82 Yrd Interception Return M.Bryant extra point is GOOD, Center-J.Harris, Holder-M.Bosher.

THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ BOUT!!!!! Did TomBrady really think he was gonna stop RobertAlford ?

  • Kickoff

(2:21 – 2nd) M.Bosher kicks 65 yards from ATL 35 to end zone, Touchback.

I’d say his balls look deflated…

brady

  • 3rd and 18 at ATL 23

(0:02 – 2nd) Stephen Gostkowski 41 Yd Field Goal

Beautiful! Holding to a FG is what Pats do to other teams. Almost perfect half by Falcons!

  • Halftime

Gaga SLAYED

  • 4th and 12 at NE 45

(12:52 – 3rd) R.Allen punts 40 yards to ATL 15, Center-J.Cardona, fair catch by E.Weems. (The Punt Hangtime was 4.19 seconds.)

I’m not a fan of blowouts in the Super Bowl , but if it’s the Patriots getting blown out, I’m all for it! Tremendous start for Falcons.

  • 1st and Goal at NE 6

(8:31 – 3rd) TOUCHDOWN Tevin Coleman 6 Yd pass from Matt Ryan (Matt Bryant Kick)

28-3 Falcons !!!! DON’T LET UP ATLANTA! SuperBowl

Warm the fat lady up!

Hope Atlanta runs up the score and embarrasses Belicheat.

Think the Pats are done yet?

Ding Dong, the witch is dead!

  • 2nd and Goal at ATL 5

(2:06 – 3rd) TOUCHDOWN James White 5 Yd pass from Tom Brady (Stephen Gostkowski PAT failed)

Okay Falcons , take a deep breath. #SuperBowl

  • 4th and Goal at ATL 15

(9:44 – 4th) Stephen Gostkowski 33 Yd Field Goal

Held to a FG again! Yes!

I can’t believe he did not go for the six. Pats are DONE!

  • 3rd and 1 at ATL 36

(8:31 – 4th) (Shotgun) M.Ryan sacked at ATL 25 for -11 yards (D.Hightower). FUMBLES (D.Hightower) [D.Hightower], RECOVERED by NE-A.Branch at ATL 25. A.Branch to ATL 25 for no gain (C.Chester).

Run the ball. Eat the clock.

  • 2nd and 2 at ATL 6

(5:56 – 4th) Danny Amendola Pass From Tom Brady for 6 Yrds (Direct Snap) TWO-POINT CONVERSION ATTEMPT. J.White rushes up the middle. ATTEMPT SUCCEEDS.

Well, if you wanted a game, you got one.

Dammit. #SuperBowl

  • 2nd and 8 at NE 49

(4:47 – 4th) (Shotgun) M.Ryan pass deep right to J.Jones to NE 22 for 27 yards.

PHENOMENAL CATCH BY Julio Jones ! Wow! Come on Falcons ! #SuperBowl

  • 3rd and 23 at NE 35

(3:50 – 4th) (Shotgun) M.Ryan pass short left to M.Sanu pushed ob at NE 26 for 9 yards (L.Ryan). PENALTY on ATL-J.Matthews, Offensive Holding, 10 yards, enforced at NE 35 – No Play.

You suck Atlanta…

  • 1st and 10 at NE 36

(2:28 – 4th) (Shotgun) T.Brady pass deep middle to J.Edelman to ATL 41 for 23 yards (K.Neal). Atlanta challenged the pass completion ruling, and the play was Upheld. The ruling on the field was confirmed. (Timeout #3.)

Some catch!

  • 2nd and Goal at ATL 1

(0:57 – 4th) James White 1 Yard Rush TWO-POINT CONVERSION ATTEMPT. T.Brady pass to D.Amendola is complete. ATTEMPT SUCCEEDS.

There is no question in my mind how this game ends now.

  • Overtime Kickoff

(0:11 – 4th) M.Bosher punts 38 yards to NE 35, Center-J.Harris, fair catch by J.Edelman.

They’re still letting Matthew Slater stay involved in the coin toss?

  • 1st and 10 at ATL 15

(11:18 – OT) (Shotgun) T.Brady pass incomplete short right to M.Bennett (D.Campbell). PENALTY on ATL-D.Campbell, Defensive Pass Interference, 13 yards, enforced at ATL 15 – No Play.

Complete meltdown for the Falcons . Wow. #SuperBowl

  • 2nd and Goal at ATL 2

(11:02 – OT) James White 2 Yd Run

Atlanta Falcons  – biggest chokers in Super Bowl history!

Falcons ended up looking like exactly what they were, a team that’s never won the big game. #SuperBowl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Antisocial Media

autocorrect

I received a text from a friend today. I’ll call him Melvin to protect his identity. I’m not terribly concerned that he would either punch or sue me, and quite frankly, if you read my blog regularly, you’ll easily figure out who it is. I’m just trying to manage my social media with a little more decorum these days.

I’m not going to bore you with a treatise on the pitfalls of social media. We all see it every day from accidentally doing a “Reply All” to a snarky email to people ending their careers with grossly inappropriate tweets and Facebook messages.  Still, a review of some of my own personal faux pas might give you some context.

There was the time I texted a friend about his PSA test results from a recent doctor visit regarding his prostate. The error came when I inadvertently sent the text to a female neighbor who clearly had no prostate. Hilarity ensued. I also have a habit of commenting on my kids Facebook posts with the sole goal of getting “likes” from their friends. This typically drives my kids crazy, sometimes to the point of their own posts begging their friends to stop encouraging me.

Autocorrect is a big source of social media gaffes. I recently had an acquaintance try to praise an entire thread of comments by saying “Infinite likes to all of you!” The problem was that their use of “Infinite” was autocorrected to “Infinitesimal”, which indicates a quite opposite sentiment. When I pointed out the error, she said she was using voice input and recently had the embarrassment of having “honored” corrected to “hammered”.

My first of two issues today was of the autocorrect variety. My friend, Melvin, sent me the following text…

“Dude, I’m at the eye doctor and the woman across from me has the most impressive breasts.”

Now, in Melvin’s defense, he acknowledges that at time we can both be pigs. We are also getting up there in age, so it’s sometimes comforting to know that we still have a dribble of testosterone coursing through us. Also, Melvin would never invade anyone’s privacy by ogling or even worse, taking a photo. He was just killing time enjoying the view.

The part of his message that I found interesting was that he was at the eye doctor. I decided that I would join him in the gutter and texted him back the following…

“They should put tits on the eye chart. No man would ever need glasses.”

I’ll admit that it wasn’t my best work, but it would be sure to get a chuckle from Melvin, and probably by a significant portion of the male population. Unfortunately, the response from Melvin was one of confusion.

“Tots? What are you talking about?”

Apparently the dictionary for my phone’s texting capability did not contain the particular euphemism that I had chosen for my comment. It had replaced it with “Tots”. Besides ruining the spontaneity of my bit, my message went from being funny to many men, to being applicable to a much smaller group…pedophiles.

“They should put tots on the eye chart. No man would ever need glasses.”

Had I sent this out on Twitter, I’d be looking at 20 years.

My pledge to be more careful lasted about two hours. I was on Facebook, and saw that one of my daughters started a Kickstarter campaign to fund a small business idea. This idea would appeal primarily to liberals, idealists, and hipsters, and as expected, many of her friends sent their support through “likes” and comments.

I decided to have a bit of fun and added the comment…

“You want me to fund you? I paid for your fucking braces!”

Again, not a top ten bit, but the message and gratuitous language was calculated to get the most laughs from the young crowd. The problem was that not a minute after I posted this, I received a response from my daughter’s mother-in-law. This woman is the most genteel of southern belles and one of the last people in whose presence I would use profanity.

I will continue to write plays, novels, blogposts, and many other things. I also expect that I will make the occasional error. I just hope that people continue to have a sense of humor.