Game Day

Presidents

George Washington is lining up four chairs facing the audience as though in front an imaginary television.  Thomas Jefferson walks into the room from a doorway at stage left. He places a bowl of popcorn on the sideboard. There is an exterior door at stage right.

JEFFERSON

Where the hell are they? Kickoff is in just a few minutes.

WASHINGTON

Relax, Tom. James had to pick up Johnny. You know he’s never ready on time.

JEFFERSON

I don’t know why you had to invite him anyway, particularly for a Patriots game. As it is, he never shuts up.

WASHINGTON

Maybe if you could go thirty seconds without needling him…

There is a knock at the door.

WASHINGTON

See, they’re here.

Washington walks over and opens the door. Adams and Madison walk in and shake hands with Washington.

WASHINGTON

Welcome, gentlemen.

ADAMS

Thanks for having me, George.

MADISON

(waving)   George, Tom.

JEFFERSON

James, John. You guys sit in the middle. They’re about to kick off.

Madison takes the popcorn bowl. Jefferson sits on the left, then Madison, Adams, and Washington on the right. Jefferson leans back and smiles and  winks at George. They simultaneously slide their chairs forward and over in front of Madison and  Adams. They sit down, blocking the view of the much shorter men.

ADAMS

(leaning to the side to look around Washington)  What the hell is this all about?

Jefferson bursts out laughing and gives Washington a high five

MADISON

Seriously, guys? Every week it’s the same bit. Forget about it, John. I guess being tall isn’t sufficient for these clowns. I just can’t believe that they still think it’s funny.

Jefferson and Washington move their chairs back,  laughing the whole time.

WASHINGTON

Come on, lighten up, fellas. Look, the ‘Skins are about to receive.

ADAMS

Five bucks he kicks it out of the end zone. What? no  takers? Look, he fielded it six yards deep. You’d have won. Don’t tell me you’re all afraid of a little wager.

JEFFERSON

Here in Virginia, we don’t bet with liars, cheaters, lawyers, or Patriots fans, and you’re at least two of the four.

WASHINGTON

I’ll take the over at three on that one. Anybody who thinks the ’Skins are gonna murder the Pats, raise your hand.

Washington, Jefferson, and Madison raise their  hands.

MADISON

John, how can you even root for the Pats anyway? You were president for God’s sake.

ADAMS

Not in DC, I wasn’t. Thomas was the first inaugurated here. Besides, we also were all patriots. It’s a much better name than that horribly racist “Redskins”.

Washington, Jefferson, and Madison look at each other in confusion.

ADAMS

(Shakes his head in disgust) Oh, I get it. Anybody who never owned anyone, raise your hand.

Adams raises his hand

WASHINGTON

Hilarious, Johnny, but you may have noticed the other part of my team’s name. Wash-ing-ton. I notice it’s not the “Adams” Patriots.

MADISON

Anyone who has a capital named after them, raise your hand.

Madison and Washington raise their hands. Madison looks at Jefferson and gives him a slap on the  arm. Jefferson raises his arm.

JEFFERSON

Oh, yeah. Jefferson City. They were showing the cheerleaders.

ADAMS

You’re counting Missouri and Wisconsin, now?

WASHINGTON

You’re right, Johnny. Anyone who was father of his country? (Raises his hand)

MADISON

Oh yeah, Georgie? Anyone who wrote the Declaration of Independence or the God damned Constitution, raise your hand.

Adams, Jefferson, and Madison raise their hands.

JEFFERSON

(Looking at the television) Oh, come on! Third and eight, he throws a three yard swing pass. Every damn time!

ADAMS

Fourth and five. First a punt and then it’s Brady time!

MADISON

Anyone who hates Tom Brady…

Washington, Jefferson, and Madison raise their hands.

ADAMS

Anyone who’s won four Superbowls…(he raises his hand while the others scowl) Hey, fellas. We got the Eagles coming to Foxboro later this season. I was thinking of inviting Franklin over.

WASHINGTON

No, Johnny!

MADISON

Don’t do it!

JEFFERSON

Oh, hell to the no! That honky be trippin’.

Silence. Adams, Washington, and Madison stare at Jefferson in shock.

ADAMS

What the hell was that, Thomas?

JEFFERSON

Sorry about that. It’s just some slang I picked  up…from a..uh..from a friend.

WASHINGTON

A friend, huh? Johnny, Eagles fans are the worst, particularly Franklin. We get the Eagles every season. Last year, we made the mistake of inviting Ben to Tom’s at Monticello.

JEFFERSON

He practically trashed the place. Martha was pissed at me for a week.

MADISON

Do you know he actually showed up with his face painted green? Do yourself a favor. Leave Franklin out of your plans. After all, anyone who was President of the United States…

They all raise their hands and subsequently high five.

WASHINGTON

(Pointing to the television) Holy crap! Is it too much to ask to get a little pressure on the quarterback? I could complete passes with all of that time.

ADAMS

It’s Belichick’s system. The guys a coaching genius.

Jefferson and Madison wince as Washing turns angrily to face Adams.

WASHINGTON

(Angrily)  Anyone who was able to manage a second term as president, raise your hand.

Jefferson and Madison grudgingly raise their hands along with Washington. 

MADISON

Come on, George, lighten up, man. It’s only a football game. Johnny didn’t mean anything.

WASHINGTON

Really James? Anyone who doesn’t have a giant-ass monument in the nation’s capital, raise your hand. (He raises his hand and looks at Jefferson.) You want to try me, Tom? (Jefferson raises his hand.)

ADAMS

So, George, how’s your Martha?

WASHINGTON

Sorry, Johnny. I guess it’s easy to get carried away when the team is named Washington. Martha’s upstairs lying down with yet another headache.

MADISON

I hear you, brother. Dolly is currently afflicted with the crimson banderole, if you know what I mean. John, do you want to grab dinner after the game?

ADAMS

Gee, I don’t know. I imagine Abigail will be expecting me.

JEFFERSON

You guys kill me. You all treat women like they’re voters or something. Women may only be good for one thing, but they’re really, really good at it.

MADISON

Tom, you are such a pig. You should have the monument that looks like a giant phallus, not George.

JEFFERSON

That’s not a bad idea. Wanna trade, George?

WASHINGTON

No thanks. “Father of the Country” is more of a ceremonial term. You’d make it a reality.

MADISON

Oh, great, an interception. Patriots get the ball back and we’re already down ten-zip.

WASHINGTON

And bang, there it is, Brady to Gronk, seventeen to nothing. (He reaches over and grabs a handful of popcorn. He throws it toward the television.) I hate Brady, Gronkowski, Belichick, and the entirety of New England. Anyone who’s face is on money, get ’em up.

Jefferson and Monroe shake their heads and raise their arms to join Washington. 

ADAMS

James, what money are you on?

MADISON

The five-thousand dollar bill. It’s a lot more impressive than these two.

JEFFERSON

Dude, they don’t even make it anymore.

MADISON

And who uses the two-dollar bill?

WASHINGTON

Don’t forget that Tom and I are also on coins. They tried to make an Adams penny once, but his fat head didn’t fit on the coin.

ADAMS

Oh, look, another three and out by the Redskins. It looks like we’ll get the ball again before halftime.

JEFFERSON

At least we’re getting beat by a good team.

MADISON

True, we had that jerk Alexander Hamilton over to my place for the Giants game a few weeks back. What a tool.

ADAMS

You don’t need to tell me. Every time I see him, the first thing out of his mouth is “eighteen and one”.

WASHINGTON

He’s a whiny wannabe nobody. If he hadn’t wormed his way onto the ten-dollar bill, he’d be completely forgotten by now.

MADISON

(Laughing)  I’ll say. I heard some doofus was trying to write some sort of show about him.

JEFFERSON

I hope there’s rapping in it. I’ve been diggin’ those  beats lately.

ADAMS

(Laughing) What if it goes on to be a big hit and wins a Pulitzer and a bunch of Tony awards?

WASHINGTON

Hey, anyone who thinks that can happen, raise your hand.

Silence. They all demonstratively look around for a beat before they all burst out laughing and high five each other.

Fade out.

 

 

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One thought on “Game Day

  1. Bob, that was so inventive and hilarious, I couldn’t stop laughing. Good for you to add such a slant on politics. I loved it. By the way, Jimmy’s computer has crashed again. So he cannot receive any e-mails. Guess we are off to buy another computer next week.

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