Miracle Bra

    I visited a doctor the other day and during the usual wait in the aptly named waiting room, I picked up a magazine. The magazine caught my interest for two reasons. First, it was well over 400 pages, but more noteworthy was a tease for an article on the cover. The article was touting 25 miracle bras. With so many pages to fill, it didn’t surprise me to find 253 new fall looks or 349 steals under $100. What spurred my curiosity was the possibility that 25 different bras could all be sufficiently noteworthy to warrant the designation of “miracle”.

    I began my investigation by looking at the table of contents to find the article. This in itself was no small task. I had to thumb through merely 30 pages of ads just to find the location of the article. This took some time, so it was fortunate that I was visiting a doctor. As I searched, I noticed that nearly every page contained an advertisement and every advertisement contained a photo of a model. Given the height, weight, and build of these models, It was unlikely that any of them had much use for a bra, miracle or otherwise, unless of course they were modeling it. Upon finding the table of contents, I moved on to page 383, excited to find out more about this divine intervention into ladies unmentionables.

    Before revealing my findings, I’d like to provide a little bit of information about miracles. I have provided a dictionary entry for starters.

Miracle – noun
1. an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.
2. such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God.
3. a wonder; marvel.

    As you can see, we’ve set the bar pretty high. I’m sure we can agree that definition #1 is out. I consider myself a breast man, but surpassing all known human powers? Hoover Dam came in under budget, was completed early, and is still working after like 70 years, and that’s not a miracle. As for #2, I may have invoked God upon seeing a few breasts in my day, but those times are reserved for the removal of the bra rather than for the bra itself.

    This brings up the subject of miracles in the act of beatification, or basically, the granting of sainthood. The Catholic Church does this occasionally (although no bras have made the cut to my knowledge). It was pretty rare until Pope John Paul II came along in 1978. He was the Wilt Chamberlain of beatification granting access to the luxury boxes of Heaven 1340 times. That is more saints than all of the Popes in the previous 388 years combined. This is the sports miracle equivalent of the 1980 US Hockey team beating the Russians every 15 weeks for nearly four centuries! Even Al Michaels isn’t going for that.

    I would consider #3 in the ballpark particularly based on the opinion of a woman and her comfort. For guys, regardless of the shaping, a bra is primarily window dressing. Have you ever received a gift so beautifully wrapped that you never opened it? I didn’t think so. And besides, we know what’s in this package. Eliminating a proper application of the word miracle leaves us with the use of hyperbole.

    Hyperbole is an extravagant statement or figure of speech with obvious and intentional exaggeration not meant to be taken literally. I would ask the math geeks to please avoid confusing hyperbole with the similarly spelled hyperbolae, which is the plural of hyperbola. A hyperbola is a type of smooth curve lying in a plane. Sound familiar? If that doesn’t creep you out, it is also one of four conic sections. I believe that this picture from the article supports (pun intended) the hyperbole theory. While this particular bra appears to be made of gossamer, it is actually made of polyester. Notice that it is not made of tungsten or Kevlar making the $105 retail price somewhat miraculous. Take a good look at the size range. This bra comes in a cup size of B to G. If this thing can hold a G cup, we might be getting close to a miracle. I’m picturing the Kool-Aid guy bursting through a brick wall.

    I would assume that full-figured women are in greater need of a miracle than others. This is another one of the miracle bras from the article. I expect that were this model to put on a baseball cap and some tighty whiteys, she could go topless and pass for Marky Mark. Of course, this led to further research. A quick Google search revealed that Miracle Bra is Victoria’s Secret trademarked product. There is also a Paris Miracle Bra and an Aussie Miracle Bra (insert Southern Hemisphere joke here). There is also a Wonderbra, a Miraculous Bra, A Genie Bra and a Convertible Contour Bra (for riding with the top down, I assume).

    There is even a new miracle bra that goes on the inside…not the inside of your blouse, but on the inside of your flesh! It even has fine silk straps. No polyester in this baby. I’m guessing that this also goes for slightly more than $105. It makes you wonder what other types of sub dermal clothing might be considered miraculous. A “Bro” with great hair who also likes his ball cap could have the cap medically placed under his scalp with the visor sticking out through his forehead. I asked my wife her opinion on all of this, but she had little interest in my research. She said that if I could go a week without touching her bra or their contents, that would be miracle enough for her.

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